In school, particularly high school, so much is predicated off of national, standardized tests.  You know the ones that were designed so that Jerome and Pedro would never have a shot at college?  The same ones that were designed so that Wang and Rajindra could deliver perfect scores and skew the entire average for the stupid white kids.  I’m talking about the TIPS, ACT, SAT, GMAT, MCAT, LSAT, and more.  Much more.

These tests are so ridiculously stupid.  Why?  Well, good sir, I’m happy you asked.

So much was made of these damned tests from our guidance councilors and teachers that for every poor high school male the entire fate of the world seemed to hinge on the very next performance filling in the abnormally shaped scantron.  There was little chance for these young men to succeed.  Pass and you only have a brief respite until the next major life exam will measure your fitness for Heaven … fail and you’re doomed to pushing a broom with a broken set of yellow teeth.

And don’t be mistaken here, I said MALE on purpose.  I’m not being sexist, I’m being honest.  Women have their own special, development curve.  Call it the Cycle of Estrogen Supremacy or the CES.  Girls start out as princesses, then turn into brats, then into know-it-alls, and then finally into the queen.  Or as I like to call her, Overlord… ahem … Sweetie.  Of course, boobies take the edge off of most bossiness.  It just so happens that the know-it-all phase coincides directly with school and standardized tests.  At this stage, women are driven to take color-coded notes in seventeen topically organized notebooks with indexes, footnotes, and flashcards.

Why?

Because this is the start of the “I told you so” and “you’re an idiot” phase that will dominate the rest of their lives whenever dealing with people with penises.  I guess it should be penii, but let me guess, you already knew that.  At this age, the thirst for knowledge (and to be heard) is pandemic among women, they need it, crave it, hunger for it.  First to raise their hand, first to sneer at the dumb males collected at the back of the class, hiding from attention.

You can tell that the people that invented school and how they should work are indeed women.  If you overlap the same educational systemic requirements onto the development of a male, well, all you’re going to get is a desk covered in drool and a lot of doodles of ninja throwing stars and tah-tahs.  It’s like a secret convention was held back in neolithic times while men were scenting deer piss on the great hunt and the gatherers were clustered together talking about how to wrestle control away for good … in between talking behind the backs of the other gatherers that weren’t there.

Teenage boys are so poorly equipped to handle school because of these out of control, torrid of rampant hormones.  From a period of 14 to 22, I can’t think of a female being on this planet that was not related to me, including all of the Golden Girls, the Siberian lumberjane axe team, and Inuit seal skin dancers, that my adolescent, testosterone-stoned mind had not envisioned in some type of self-deprecating sex act.  And sometimes all together.  Any expectation for me to study on word problems, gerunds, coefficients, or important dates in US fiscal policy was not only fruitless, but it was patently absurd.

Truth is there was only one thing that I or any male could think of during the rage of puberty … and she was busy answering all of the questions and passing out the syllabus as the teacher’s resident pet.  How are we supposed to retain and apply knowledge when our brains are on a Catholic reform school fantasy?  Here’s an interesting stat to clarify my point: 90% of males masturbate.  And the other 10% don’t have arms.  Don’t believe me?  What about the Seinfeld episode where they wagered who could go the longest without doing the deed – they gave Elaine 2:1 odds and this when they were in the late thirties.

Why do you think that the Presidents must be at least 35 years old?  Because of the fear of a chief executive that wants trade relations based solely on the breast size of the visiting diplomat.  And because the forefathers thought that every US President would be male, but hey … they’ve been right 44 out of 44 times so far.

It’s not that the male mind doesn’t function properly, its just basic biochemistry.  I’d prefer to be tested when I’m 50 years old and cold turkey from Viagra.  I’m sure that I’d easily perform to the standards of the all girl’s scholastic team.  The only fair compromise is to test women when they are equally disadvantaged with the flux of hormones, rampaging through their bodies like a bloodthirsty Viking horde.  Pregnancy.  That’s right, I said it.  All the crying, cravings, tantrums, nesting.  You try to learn geometry under such circumstances.  Impossible.  Sure, I know it’s not their fault that they take a 10-month crazy pill … but is it our fault that adolescent boys can only think about pootie?

Rather than stick with rigorous lesson plan obviously skewed towards adolescent girls, lets make the curriculum gender specific.  I will tell you how to find and select the smartest boys for college and future employment in white collar jobs.  And it has nothing to do with math, science, or verbal abilities.  Hell no.  You have to test men on the things that their testosterone-oggled eyes can even begin to focus on.

So with that in mind wouldn’t you agree that the first boy of his grade to learn how to undo a bra with the snapping fingers technique is indeed gifted?  Or the proficiency in which they can navigate and peruse Internet porn?  Or the skill in which they avoid being detected staring at a tight fitting halter top in a cold classroom?  And God bless us if we are fortunate enough to find the rare boy genius that invents a new way to handle his tool.  Get that kid into Harvard.  ASAP.