Recently, I received a letter from a reader, seeking advice.  I guess the nearly two year’s worth of columns filled with wisdom, observation on human nature, and dick jokes as proven to my audience that I am like a white, digital Buddha.  Of course, I could never turn away such a request for help.  Here then is that letter …

Dear Lucky,

Today I made my weekend rounds to Costco to purchase over-sized, over-packaged, and rarely consumed household products.

The drive started out like any other with good tunes playing and a few mental reminders of what I should purchase at said Costco (!!! don’t forget the 80 lbs of Fresh Step cat litter).

My day turned strange when the car ahead of me signaled that it was time to turn left. I did what every driver does and checked my side view passenger side mirror, and proceeded to merge into the right lane to avoid having to slow down and lose 5 seconds of my day to this avoidable hindrance. Of course I didn’t check my blind spot or use my very own turn signal.

This is when it happened. There was indeed a small blue compact car in my blind spot, and he immediately blared his horn. OK, I thought, my bad – I will wave in acknowledgment of my misdeeds and be on my way. Well, once the small compact car and its owner continued blaring the horn for about 10 seconds while saluting me with his middle finger, I evolved from apologetic to aggressively upset within seconds. I returned the one finger salute and mouthed the words F**K YOU A** HOLE. I then made eye contact with said compact car owner and told him to pull over. After my volley he got angrier and held his salute up longer, in the case that I missed it the first time, while he avoided any future eye contact.

This is where it gets weird. I kept staring at compact car owner in hopes he would look my way again so I could mouth more un-pleasantries. I watched him get angrier and angrier until his one finger salute turned into a “rock-on” salute with extended pointer finger and pinky finger. We both pulled up to the next red light and compact car owner slammed on the horn once more, and made a quick right turn, diverting our paths and any continued salutes. Here’s where I’d like your insight.

1) As every man is occasionally prone to making a driving error, how long should you allow a fellow driver to honk and curse at you while you take it in stride?

2) Assuming the duration determined in question 1 is exceeded, what should your next progressive sequence of actions be in ending your disagreement with fellow driver?

3) Should I take the on and off middle finger to “rock-on” salute combination as a sign of internal struggle within compact car owner and his wanting to release anger while still holding on to it? Or, is this merely a sign of a deeper anger where the one finger salute can not convey hatred enough that you have to dig down and find the nearest suppressed hand gesture that can portray your frustration – in this case, a “rock-on” salute.

I look forward to hearing your advice.

Sincerely,

Confused in Kansas City

Firstly, thank you Confused for writing.  Any letter that has the words “fuck you asshole” in them, and in ALL CAPS no less, is already going onto my bulletin board of weekly achievements.  Those same words also happen to be my favorite quote from The Terminator, though spoke with an impossibly thick Austrian accent.

Let me start my answer to your question by first sharing with you a simple set of rules that I have codified, mastered, and perfected over a life of 33 years.  Consider these rules my holy grail or at the very least a substitute to the 7 Habits of Highly Anal Retentive People.

1. Never talk about Fight Club.

2. Never get into a break dance battle with a Vietnamese teenager.

3. Never get into a war of cut downs with a gay man.

4. There is no crying in baseball.  There are kicks to the groin.

5. If a small, Asian man offers to train me as a ninja, say yes.

6. Never talk shit to another dude … unless you are fairly certain that a) you can kick his ass or b) you can outrun him.

And that brings me to your point.  When caught in the fires of road rage, you must glance into the windows of the other car and make a split second calculation – If I were trapped in a seven-sided ring of fire with this jerk-off … would I win?  This equation is multi-layered and a lot of factors have to be considered.  Not only are you just looking at his age, build, relative musculature, and likelihood of being a Shaolin monk, you must also consider whether this dumbass has a gun tucked in his glove box.  And even more important, you must visualize the results of a Mad Max battle between the two vehicles themselves.

Here are a few criteria for your Road Rules equation:

1. Is your car more expensive than the other guys?  Point in his favor.  He has nothing to lose.

2. Is your car WAY more expensive than the other guy?  Point in your favor.  You drink courvoisier from the navels of Swimsuit Model.s

3. Are you driving a hybrid?  Point in his favor and it must be hard for you to drive with a purse and high heels.

4. Are you driving a stolen M1-Abrams tank?  If so, then how did you send an email from prison?

Once you reach a combined Battle Coefficient of all relevant factors, then you have determined the strategic balance in a confrontation should the words and cute gestures escalate.  Could you beat this guy like Bruce Lee?  Be careful how you answer, because it will vary my advice considerably …

If No …

It may seem like your options are limited, but not as much as you might think.  The big thing to remember in whatever transpires is this … do NOT get out of your vehicle, do NOT turn off your engine, and do NOT roll down your window.  With that said, here’s the answer to your first two questions:

1. You should endure the honking for about 2 seconds.  You don’t have a Battle Coefficient (BC) in your favor, but you still have a pair of nuts that must be defended.  Two seconds only … unless you’re French, then just nibble on your bagette while slouching down in your Peugeot.
2. Once his honk goes from “hey, watch out!” to “you’re an ass clown” then you should honk back immediately.  If his middle finger goes up, then do not respond in anger.  Instead, wave mockingly at him with a big smile.  Slow down and swerve to avoid letting him pass.  If you hit a green light, slow down until it turns yellow and then gun it through to get him stuck behind a red light.  This will allow you to use your superior brain to antagonize compact car ape-man and re-establish the evolutionary hierarchy of the superior brain.

If Yes …

Aha, the world is your oyster.  This dumb bastard just picked a fight with Alpha Male.  Here’s my answer to the first two questions given this new scenario:

1. Your Chuck Norris danger sense will detect the man reaching for the horn even before the sound erupts from beneath his hood.  As such, you will have the initiative.
2. Put your car in cruise control and hop into the backseat.  Grab the 80 lb. sack of Fresh Step kitty litter that your purchased at Costco and dump it onto the road like an oil slick.  Then grab whatever makeshift weapon you have handy, like a tire iron for instance, and leap out onto his hood like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.  Your rage will only be equaled by the Outbreak monkey.  If he gets out of his car, then unleash the Epic Beard Guy inside of you and whoop his candy ass (see video below).

Finally, as for your third question … I think his “rock-on” hand gesture was the result of his own Battle Coefficient calculations.  He looked at you and determined that the combination of your appearance, car, and return rage was greater than what he had to offer and quickly tried to turn it into a mosh pit camaraderie bullshit.  “Hey I got you good, you got me good … we can be friends now, right?”

WRONG!

But hey … I could be mistaken… what would you do?