Welcome back, faithful readers!  My two-month hiatus to finish my second is finito and the rough draft is done.  I’m happily back to producing poorly contrived, irresponsibly moronic content to only make the Internet less useful.  I like to think that I’m doing the Lord’s work.

Anyways, a lot has happened during the break that could be my lead-in to 2010.  Tiger’s Tool Time, the battle for healthcare reform, Brock Lesnar’s leaky poop tube that nearly killed him, Iran’s quest to surpass Cobra as the biggest bunch of crazy assholes, Google threatening to pull out of China kinda like a teenage boy with his girlfriend, and much much more.  I could have come back with nearly anything.

I decided to talk about the most American traditions – SELLING OUT!!!

Hell yes!!!  Let’s get some pop rocks, Jolt, and a shitload of X because we’re gonna party like its Junior Prom on South Beach.  Woo hoo!!!  Now the USA will really be the country with streets paved of gold that all those hungry, unwashed foreigners dream about.  I can’t wait!  And I’m going to ask the obvious question – what the hell took us so long?

What?

You haven’t heard?  Oh, well let me put my girlish euphoria in a bit of contextual framework …

Citizens United v. the Federal Electoral Commission: In late January 2010, just weeks ago in fact, the Supreme Court handed down a 183-page decision that basically pulled the Brazilian bikini wax in one heavy stroke from campaign fund raising.  And we’re not talking about a wax of an Asian teenie bopper, we’re talking about a hirsute Armenian construction worker.  Its a good burn.

Originally, there were no limitations on how much money individuals, aka private citizens, could donate, but corporations, unions, and lobbyists were limited.  Someone apparently did not tell this to Dick Cheney.  I believe that all of the missing White House bath towels can be found in Haliburton’s executive bathroom.

The Supreme Court decided (5-4) to overturn that limitation opening the gilded gates of big business endorsements.  Can you smell the gravy train?  I feel like America was just transferred from the Cactus League to the Majors.

The crux of the argument in favor of the ruling was this: freedom of speech.  No, seriously.  I’m not bullshitting.  Essentially, by limiting how much money could be contributed to various campaigns, certain entities were not allowed to express their views to the fullest extent that should or could be allowed to them

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) summed up the decision adroitly: “For too long, some in this country have been deprived of full participation in the political process.  By previously denying this right, the government was picking winners and losers.  Our democracy depends upon free speech, not just for some but for all.”

Rich, white men apparently were under represented in their ability to voice their opinions.  And by voice their opinion, I mean write checks to the GOP on the backs of their thousands of overseas child laborers.  Can you feel their pain? Take a second and reread the quote above and tell me that the Battle Hymn of the Republic doesn’t float through your mind.  And its not just the rich, white CEO that’s been denied his Constitutional right to buy politicians … er … voice their feelings.  What about the locally fronted Chinese billionaire, hiding behind a dozen different American holding companies?  What about his feelings?  Shouldn’t Comrade Wang get a voice in our government?  We do after all owe most of our national deficit to the Chinese anyway.

Now before we continue … you may be asking yourself “sure the politicians can sell their beliefs and views to the highest eBay bidder in exchange for pork barreling only to reap the rewards with a cushy consultant role after political office with a string of soon-to-be dead hookers and cocaine, BUT the American voter is far too intelligent and informed to succumb to the mass media blitz for one candidate or the other.”  Right?

WRONG.  Haha, you dumbass!!!

You totally walked right into that.  Let me prove my point.  Fifteen minutes of half-hearted research on Wikipedia & Google confirmed that AT LEAST since 1996 the money winner in campaign fund raising has the Presidency every single time.  My guess is that the trend goes much further than just 20 years.  For you Obama haters, munch on this … he raised more than double what Old Man Winter was able to pull from the coffee cans buried in the back yard of the retirement village (3/4 billion USD).

So now that we’ve covered what happened, permit me to put on my Nostradamus hat to make one short term prediction as well as one long term prediction.

Short Term Prediction: With corporations, lobbyists, unions, and pseudo-legal foreign conglomerates pumping money into unmarked Swiss bank accounts ala Jason Bourne, we can expect that the campaign process will explode.  The 2008 presidential election marked the first time that candidates raised over $1 billion in campaign war chests.  Compare that number to 1984 and the cost of the US presidency has increased by 1000% or x10 ($103.6 million).

Quite frankly, I’m disappointed.  The leader of the free world only takes $1 billion to buy?  And that’s aggregate across all campaigns.  That means that Bill Gates could secure the presidency for the next 80 elections.  This number needs to be much higher.  Right now, Samoa (GDP $1.1 billion as of 2008) could be a serious contender.  Fuck that.  The presidential election should get way more money swirling around … like the final on American Idol.  I’d like to see it at least topping $100 billion per … which is more than Iraq could pony up.  Honestly, who throws a shoe?

Here’s my fearless prediction: Where is that extra money going to go?  Well, my vote for naked dancers on every corner on Main Street will probably never leave the ideation stage.  Or robot duplicates of every candidate in every town hall ala the Hall of Presidents at Disney World.  I know – its a lack of vision.  Instead that money is going go into mass media … or commercials.  Not just any kind of commercials, i.e. the warm fuzzy presidential baby kiss or hand shaking with Farmer Fred by the fence post.  No, these will be produced by campaign supporters.  Also known as hatchet-men.

The nature and tone of these ads is only going to get more rancorous and nasty as the money comes in.  The primary candidate can keep their hands “clean” while letting the campaign manager pull the strings on attacks.  This still gives the Big Cheese deniability in case one of these ads goes too far.  Again, you might stand up for Joe the Plumber and say that personal attacks don’t garner support and only frustrate the electoral process, but if I were to ask you to say two words about John Kerry, I bet 90% of you would say “Flip-Flopper”.  Not me, I’d say Herman Munster.

Spiteful, attacking ads?  Some people might be bemoaning the death of our electoral process, distancing from the old style debates on meaningful issues and political qualifications and ushering on petty, irrelevant, nasty sound bites targeting only the lowest common denominator of each party.  I say to those people, “Suck it!”  How can this be a bad thing?  Bring the Smackdown.  There is nothing better than pampered, blue bloods trying to get chippy with each other.  Get me Jim Ross from the WWE immediately.  He can chair the new debates.  “Oh my God, that’s Kane’s music!”

I’m so psyched for the dis battles on Youtube coming in 2012.  Why hasn’t this happened all ready?

Long Term Prediction: The movement towards corporate spending within campaigns is only going to continue.  You know why?  Because the guys getting the money will continue to win and they will only open the floodgates to keep that competitive advantage.  Can you see the opportunities?  I can.  It’s called Sponsorship.

Why does endorsement have to end when the vote is cast?  We’re talking about serious advertising dollars.  Its capitalism at its finest.  The American Way. Sarah Palin’s 2012 Presidential Campaign brought to you by your friends from Russian Adventure Tours and the Teen Home Pregnancy Test.

For example, can you imagine the Nike Inaugural Ball … or the Presidential Seal brought to you by Sam’s Club?  Each administration can cash in and build up the treasury for the next election.  And why do we have to elect individual people anyway?  I’d vote for the team of admen behind the Budlight commercials any day of the week.  Those guys are geniuses.  Can you imagine the Budlight State of the Union Address?  My nipples are hard.

In the spirit of such reforms and trends, I’d like to announce my own fire sale.  Anything and everything on this website, my personal being, and even my dog and son have room for your logo, special message, endorsement, or special interest agenda.  My son’s forehead could proudly boast the message of your choice.  Act now while space is still available.

Thanks for listening.  And send money.

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