Choosing a sports orientation for your alma mater is a bit like walking out of a bar with a girl.  There’s no telling if current circumstances colored your judgment towards the girl on your arm (i.e. bad lighting, smoke, beer, a 2-year sex drought, etc) vs. the other six or seven potential candidates that were available.  Its also like drinking from the Holy Grail.  Did you choose wisely?  Or did you just put on the George Burns aging cream?

I’m going to make a case for OSU’s sporting heritage …

Some schools don’t have this problem – like Duke.  Their sports orientation is very clearly defined.  They are a basketball school through and through.  Or another way to look at it was that  basketball was the only hot chick in a bar filled with troglodytes.  And there you go.  They are also a bunch of snot-nosed, upper class, elitist peckerwoods.  When black people invented the word “cracker”, I’m certain that they were talking about the Blue Devils.

Or another example … the OU Sooners.  They are cheaters … ahem … I meant football.  Sure they had a dalliance with basketball when Coach Sampson was there, but as soon as he left … “Oh No!  We Suck Again!”

But OSU is really a middling type school in just about everything.  We’re average with sparks of good, but never great and rarely shitty.  Rarely means infrequently not never.  Pat Jones is a turd burglar.  Let’s move on.

Okie State has really four sports that we’re good at that really matter.  Sure, we’re all American in poultry judging, but that doesn’t put butts in the seats.  And Golf?  Really?  No one gives a shit about collegiate golf.

Let’s look at each sport and then listen to me wax moronically about each.  Sound fun?

BASEBALL

“There is no crying baseball.”  One of two sports that we have a great legacy, but like the other one (below) … does anyone really care?  I dare you to name one “baseball school”.  I sure as hell can’t.  For Chrissakes, OSU baseball doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia page.

But its worth a cursory run through of our accolades.  Not only do we have a national championship, but we also have 5 second place finishes.  Add to that our roll of Major Leaguers (including 20 hall of famers): see here.

It’s hard not to be proud of our baseball legacy … despite the fact that I hate baseball as a sport and collegiate baseball is the equivalent of Dominican parks-n-rec softball.  I’m going to say that we are NOT a baseball school … because I’d have to pretend that I went to Grambling State otherwise.

• National Championships: 1 (1959)
• Conference Championships: um … a alot (16 in a row at one point)

Wrestling

If wrestling we’re a nationally popular sport, then OSU would lead Sports Center every single day.  The drama, the intrigue, the moves.  That’s right, bitches.  The National Collegiate Wrestling Hall of Fame is located right on our campus.  You know why?  Because we have 34 national championships that’s why.  Or basically since we started wrestling in 1914, we’ve won over a third of all possible championships (35%).  Add onto that 133 individual champions and 213 wrestlers receiving All-American honors.  I remember hearing somewhere that we have more national championships in wrestling than any other school in the NCAA has in any other sport.

We’re freaking awesome at rolling around with other guys while wearing tights.

Yeah, it really sucks that no one outside of Oklahoma, Iowa, and Iran give a damn about collegiate wrestling.  One cool thing is that we’ve produced a number of Mixed Martial Artists – including Randy Couture, Mark Munoz, Jake Rosholt, Johny Hendricks, and Muhammad Lawal.  I like to think that if there was an alumni battle royal, we’d be kicking ass like Roadhouse prior to the uncomfortable scene with Swayze and the guy all in black as they fought alongside that lake at the end of the movie.  You know what I’m talking about …

We also have two of the best wrestlers ever.  The first is John Smith (2 Olympic Golds, 4 World Championships, 2 NCAA Championships, college record 154-7, and 5 NCAA championships as a coach).  The other is his brother Pat (4 NCAA Championships – 1st ever, college record 121-5-2).  Some may say that Cael Sanderson is the best wrestler to ever live … and his feats in college definitely support that point … but his freestyle record is nothing compared to John’s.  One gold medal?  Suck it.

• National Championships: 34 team / 133 individual
• Conference Championships: 42 team / 232 individual

FOOTBALL

“It’s the sport of kings, better than a diamond ring … football.”  If you don’t know where that movie quote comes from, you’re probably too young for us to be friends.  Stop reading.  And yes, it does involve Kate Hudson’s mother.  Also known as the mother of A-Rod’s bat warmer.

There is no question in America … football is king.  The biggest sport in the USA is pro-football.  The second?  College football.  Third?  Pee-wee football.  Ok, that last part is bullshit.  Being a football school essentially gives you a foot long dong of bragging rights to other schools.  Anytime sports comes up, NCAA football is the Sexual Chocolate trump card.

We’ve got a nice pedigree of football players that have passed through our hallowed halls onto the pros … primary among them is the best running back to ever live.  No, not Jim Brown.  OK, one of the best ever.  Yep, that’s right – Barry Sanders.  Heisman Trophy, NFL Hall of Fame, booyah.  The other HoFer that we have is Barry’s ugly, retarded cousin Thurman Thomas … still a great player despite losing his helmet on Superbowl Sunday and fumbling more balls than Stephen Hawking trying to piss in a urinal.

We’ve got others as well … including top 10 draft prospect Dez Bryant, Vernand Morency, Tatum Bell, Kenyatta Wright, Darrent Williams, Kevin Williams, Marcellus Rivers, R.W. McQuarters, and Billy Bajema.  Check out this link of players.

Here’s the thing though … unless you went to OSU or you are a massive fantasy football geek, you’ve probably only heard of 1 or 2 of these guys.  And that guy is probably Dez Bryant.

Here’s another statistic that bodes poorly for our orientation in football … our overall record is 508-519-47.  That’s right.  Super-evolved monkey overlords will find OSU in the post-Armageddon wreckage and evaluate our record thusly:  Losers.  Only recently have we started to surge again into the national discussion after an NCAA sanction that sprang from the recruitment of Hart Lee Dykes.  Our resurgence is probably related to Boone Pickins pouring a billion kagillion dollars into our program.  That’s just a guess though.

I think its clear that OSU is not there yet.  I know that we really, really want to be … but we’re not.

In case you have doubts, Dez Bryant was under investigation by the NCAA last season for eating dinner at Deion Sander’s house and covered it up because he was afraid.  A snap decision by a 20-year old kid.  Eating dinner was not an infraction … unless his fajitas were loaded with HGH.  Because he lied, Dez missed most of the 2009 season as punishment.  Just ask yourself, does Florida or USC’s best player get bitch-slapped like that by the NCAA?  In fact, USC doesn’t even try to hide their cheating.  Just ask Reggie Bush.

My conclusion – we are not a football school.

• National Championships: 0
• Conference Championships: 10

BASKETBALL

“I’m playing BAS-KET-BALL.”  After looking at baseball, wrestling, and football … that brings us to basketball.  Our credentials are far stronger in the first two sports, but no one is busting down the door to be known as a baseball or wrestling school outside of Division 2A.  Which leaves hoops.

Here’s why I think that OSU is a basketball school.  The NCAA championship basketball tournament was started in 1939.  Oklahoma State won back to back titles in 1945 and 1946 under Henry Iba.  OSU was the first school to win consecutive titles and is rightly called the first dynasty in college basketball.  Henry Iba’s coaching tree is legendary: Adolph Rupp, John Wooden, Bob Knight, Larry Brown, Eddie Sutton, and Bill Self.  Among others.

OSU lay dorment until the arrival of Eddie “Boozer” Sutton.  He restored us back to prominence, but never added another title.  Let’s face it though … in 1995 … it was clear that UCLA was the “chosen one” to get their title on the anniversary of John Wooden and our Final Four game was like a street mugging by Epic Beard Guy.  Damnit, I need a Tylenol.

We’ve got six Final Four appearances, the last of which was in 2004 and a string of All-American players, the latest of which is “Big Game” James Anderson (pic above).  Let’s not forget about Desmond Mason, Big Country Bryant Reeves, Randy Rutherford, Doug “Mr. ESPN” Gottlieb, Byron Houston, Tony Allen, Joey Graham, and THE John Starks.

Here’s the other thing that makes me think of OSU as a basketball school.  We’ve got a legitimate home crowd advantage at Gallagher-Iba Arena.  It is nationally ranked in numerous top 10 lists as one of the hardest places to play because of crowd noise and certainly the best in the Big 12.  You take our overall record and we’re 35th in the NCAA in total victories with 1452-1018.  Aha, winning record!

So there it is …

I pray to Little Baby, Blue-Eyed Jesus that OSU is more than a two coach school (Iba & Sutton).  We’re back in the tournament after a tough season with some big scalps (KU and K-State specifically) on our record.  Our first game in this years tourney is against Georgia Tech.

We still owe them for the Jarrett Jack game in the 2004 Final Four.  That was our year … Eddie’s last year of reasonable sobriety and a team laden with seniors.  On a personal note, I have terrible memories from that game … we took a lead and I went to chest bump my buddy, Johnny, but he came with knees up (isn’t that breaking a Man Law?).  He squarely struck me in the crotchal region.  Direct hit.  Fatality.  You sunk my battleship.  I blame Jack for that star-numbing pain to this day.

OSU is a basketball school.  That’s my opinion.  What’s yours?  Regardless of what we are … there is one thing that is not in doubt.  We produce crazy-smoking-hot girls … and really isn’t that what really matters?

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