Here’s a brain dump of a lot of random stuff organized into Top 5 lists.  Exciting?  Probably not.

I’m not sure I could have sold this column worse, but what the hell – let’s give it a go.  I’m going to cover five different topics in non sequitor fashion.  This will probably give you a bit more insight into my distorted sense of values.  I’m comfortable with that if you are.

Let’s get started …

Top 5 Shark Movies

(no documentaries – sorry Shark Week)

1. Jaws
2. Open Water
3. Deep Blue Sea
4. Jaws II
5. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

I freaking love shark movies.  Love, love, love.  Daresay love to the extent that my nipples perk.  Too much?  I’m sad to say that if this were a Top 5 list of Shark Video Games – I couldn’t even put a single entry on the list.  Isn’t that a crime?  One of the scariest moments in a movie theater that I can remember was when I saw a trailer for Jaws 3-D.  I nearly peed in my popcorn.  Just watch:

Bonus: Top 5 Alligator Movies: Alligator, Lake Placid, Black Water, Rogue, & Primeval.

Bonus 2: Top 5 Snake Movies: Conan the Barbarian,  Raiders of the Lost Ark, Anaconda, Snakes on a Plane, & Boogie Nights.

Top 5 People Named Wayans

There’s over 180 of these guys to choose from.  Parring down the list was hard.

1. Damon Wayans
2. Keenan Wayans
3. Marlon Mayans
4. Kim Wayans
5. Sean Wayans

I have personal experience with Damon, which is why he edges out Grandfather Funk Wayans (i.e. Keenan).  He performed at Orange Peel and promised to keep his material rated PG.  The ensuing disaster involved stories about blow jobs, whitey, and 137 F-bombs.  The parents were in horror, not that I noticed as I was having a laugh induced cardiac arrest.

Bonus: Top 5 People Named Baldwin: Alec Baldwin x2, William Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, & Daniel Baldwin.

Top 5 Martial Art Badasses

1. Bruce
2. Chuck Norris
3. Sho Kosugi
4. Tony Jaa
5. Jet Li

Let’s face it – everyone else is holding the Dragon’s sizeable jock.  I wrote a column just on Brucie and I’m a proud fan boy.  Sho Kosugi only comes in third because Chuck has enough body hair to rival an Armenian plumber.

Bonus: Top 5 Sensei Teachers: Master Po (Kung-Fu), Mako, Lee Van Cleef (the Master), Gordon Liu (Kill Bill), & Chiun (Remo Williams).

Top 5 Dirty Santa Gifts

1. Edible Condoms or Underwear
2. Celebrity Look-a-like Blow Up Dolls
3. Tampon Christmas Lights
4. KY Jelly + Turkey Baster
5. Pooping Reindeer Candy Machine

You just have to see #5 (see below).  Push down on it and it produces a round, little chocolate.  I may just buy 100 of these and give them to everyone I know.  You can buy it here.

Top 5 Hottest SNL Ladies

1. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
2. Amy Poehler
3. Maya Rudolph
4. Tina Fey
5. Cheri Oteri

To be fair, SNL has certainly over-achieved in the hot, funny girl department in the last ten years … as you can see from the list above.  Sarah Palin … I mean Tina Fey would be higher except she’s got a bit of a scarred lip that I tend to fixate on whenever I see her.  Of the list, I believe that she is the funniest and her partnership with Poehler on Weekend Update was just badass.

Peace out homeys.

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