We suck. That’s right. Human beings suck. And I’d go so far as to say not only do we suck … but we suck hard. Of course, some of us suck more than others as the constituents of the esteemed state of Arizona have proven, but the truth remains. We are little kids in the playpen with the leaky diapers. It doesn’t matter if it was our doo doo or not, somehow or another we’ve all ended up with poo on our fingers.

Now in case your wondering what specifically has triggered me to endorse humanity’s pervasive sucktitude, I don’t need to go far to find a reason. Afterall, this is the same species that produced Andy Dick. This is the same species that created Blossom.  The very same species that assassinated/murdered the greatest of our number (and thereby least sucking) – Gandhi, MLK, JFK, Jesus Christ, Paul the Apostle, and John Lennon.  Specifically, though, I have surrendered to the incumbent suckiness of my race because of the Oil Spill.

The Oil Spill.

The mother of all oil spills.  Its like Godzilla, Mothra, and King Kong were fighting in the Gulf of Mexico after eating at Taco Mayo fifty cent taco night and they simultaneously ‘sharted’ in the water – a heavy flow of putrid poo pungence.  As you read this, there is an uncontrolled gusher raging into our southern waters like the earth decided to projectile vomit Texas tea.  Who I am kidding – no reads this website.

Here are some quick facts to give you a sense of the magnitude of the problem:

• The leak has been spewing about 16,000 barrels of oil each day since the leak started April 20th.
• That means that there is enough oil floating around in the Gulf of Mexico for every single person in Texas, Florida, Arkansas, Arizona, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Oklahoma to each fill a milk carton with natural crude
• Or about 32,000,000 gallons.
• Its twice the size of the Exxon Valdez spill.

As an interesting aside, April 20th is also Hitler’s birthday.  Coincidence?  I think not …

My Panties are Bunched

Here’s what is really bothering me: We’re facing the largest ecological disaster since … since …. Chernobyl?  Does an isolated strip of Russian wilderness count as a disaster?  Regardless, we’re into our hips in dog shit and it seems that the response has been lackadaisical.  Ho hum.  Those BP limeys will get it sorted out eventually.  La la la la.  I see the names of their plans that they are trying to use to contain the spill.  The latest is known as the Junk Shot.  I’m sorry, but did some executive think of this plan while playing bag tag in the men’s locker room?  The Junk Shot?  That’s what happens when you take a soccer ball to the groin.

If the world is about to be eaten by Galactus do you send in Daredevil to fight him?  Hell no!  You grab the best superhero team you can find and send them off to battle.  We’re talking the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, The X-Men, the Wiggles, whatever.  In the case of REALLY big problems, i.e. the Beyonder, you send ALL of the superheroes (exhibit A: Secret Wars).

If you’ve contracted the Ebola virus, do you take a Tylenol?  Fuck that.  You get the men in little suits scrubbing your nads with ten foot polls as they douse you with medical grade disinfectant and fire hoses.

All I am asking is that the level of concern meet the degree of the problem.  Where the hell is Chuck Norris?!?!

This Might Hurt

So let’s start talking solutions, real solutions.  In honor of the Continental Congress, we’ll name our plans by the state in which they originated:

• The Arizona Plan: This plan is pretty simple.  We take all of the illegal immigrants in the United States and stuff them into the leaking well.  Eureka!  Problem solved on both sides.  Afterwards, we hold a book burning rally in Phoenix.
• The Texas Plan: Do nothing.  That way Texans can just drive down to the shore and siphon gas directly off of the beach for free followed by firing assault rifles into the air!  Woo hoo!
• The Pennsylvania Plan: also known as the Steelers Contingency.  First we surround the well with personal bodyguards to isolate it from other wells.  Then we force feed the well about 45 vodka shooters.  And finally, Ben Roethlisberger takes his derrick and forces it into the well.

Any one of these plans might work, but as I said before why are we being so conservative.  Let’s do all of them combined into one … we just need a bunch of gas-guzzling, date raping illegals.

The Earth Strikes Back

If you’ve watched the M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Happening, and judging by the box office totals … you haven’t … then you’d know that the earth can spontaneously attack back in a animalistic foray of self-preservation.  Construction workers hopping off of girders, secretaries overdosing on whiteout.  Cats and dogs living together – Mass Hysteria!

So what happens if the water gets pissed off?  We’ve just filled the proverbial oceanic nostrils with enough mucus to cause a 75-year sinus infection.  One day … and I don’t know when that day will come … but one day I’d wager that the ocean takes a deep breath, gathers all the waste, sludge, and refuse, and then hacks the biggest loogie back onto mankind.  Right in our sucky faces.

Let’s just hope that it aims for the Middle East.