Mel Gibson is in the news again.

Do I really need to say more than that?  You and I both know full well he’s nucking futs.  The days of Melly showing up as the world’s most handsome man … or saving 35 drowning kangaroos from a billabong in Yungaburra … whatever, those days are over.

He’s a drink away from a TMZ orgasm at any moment.  He’s a buttery nipple away from punching out his parole officer and another mug shot in a Banana Republic reject shirt.  He is one 30-pack away from having a hooker orgy in the Le Brea tar pits.  And isn’t that too bad?  Because I liked Bird on a Wire.  I liked Air America.  I liked Tequila Sunrise.  Ok, so none of that is true.

Yet I wonder sometimes if Mad Mel ever sits back in between his bouts of fall-down drunkedness and wonders to himself …

How did I become bat shit crazy?

All Aussies are Insane

The video above illustrates a little known fact about Australia that the rest of the world has yet to discover.  Most true blue, fair dinkum Aussies are utterly insane.  Somehow this country functions because the rest of country only arrived on the island in the last 50 years.  Those original settlers that arrived via 3-masted galleon, also known as convicts and debtors … those settlers that lived in utter isolation, trying to grow scrub grass in the Outback while making good times with their sheep … those fuckers are crazy.

And apparently their children are, as well.

When you grow up in a country that has 1) 9 of the 10 most deadly snakes in the world, 2) 25ft long crocodiles eating children, 3) a plethora of Great White Sharks snacking on surfers, 4) the most poisonous jelly fish in the man-o-war, and 5) the most poisonous spiders in the world … you have to develop a sense of death-defying bravado.

So if all Australians are insane and Mel Gibson is obviously Australian (I mean he doesn’t sound American), then its no wonder that Mel Gibson is insane, right?  Wrong.  Melly is actually an American, born in New York (the state not the city).  He moved Down Under when he was 12 years old back in 1968 AD … or as I like to think of it 38 BJR (Before Jew Rage).

Apparently, when he came over here, Melly fell in with a bad crowd and had a troubled childhood.  In Australia in the 1970s, that means he was either a member of a bikey gang (see Chopper Read) or he was doing donuts in the parking lot of a milk bar with the other hoon wogs.  Chick chick boom.

Martin Riggs

Mel Gibson has made a career playing heroic characters on the verge of the abyss.  Teetering on the moral edge.  The Lethal Weapon series, Payback, Braveheart, Ransom, Conspiracy Theory,  the Mad Max series, Edge of Darkness, We Were Soldiers, Hamlet, and the panty hose dancing in What Women Want qualifies in my book.  The movies where he is supposed to be the normal guy … haven’t been as memorable.

Given what we know about Mel nowadays … in that he is lunatic … do we give him credit in his most famous acting roles?  Is it such a stretch for him to play Martin Riggs in this famous scene:

When we now have this scene from his real life as a comparison:

Or maybe he is SUCH a good actor that he inadvertently made himself into a whackjob by consistently taking these types of roles …  Does this mean that Jake Gyllenhaal is a Brokeback Mountain 2 away from … nevermind.

Mel Gibson is a Big, Fat Liar

I had my suspicions about Mad Mel just from some of his movies.  Perhaps I was one of the only ones that sensed the crazy just beneath the surface.  The hints are in his movies.  They are rife with lies!  Lies, I tell you!

• Beyond Thunderdome: Now how the hell did Tina Turner become the leader of Bartertown surrounded by Queensland, inbredmutants swilling all day in pig shit?  Does that look like the apocalyptic future to you?  I read Nostradamus.
• Forever Young: this movie is total bullshit.  It’s the title.  Forever Young does not mean that Mel Gibson ages 75 years in the final ten minutes of the movie.  That wouldn’t be forever then, would it?
• Man Without A Face: same theme here, false advertising.  The guy’s got a face, albeit a horribly scared and ugly one, but it holds his eyes, mouth, and nose right?
• Braveheart: While William Wallace did indeed invent a Scottish pike formation known as the schiltron, he did NOT make nasty with a French princess.  He did NOT sire the heir of the English throne.  Now that I think about it … I’m starting to doubt that he could actually shoot lightning out of his arse, too.
• Ransom: How dare you try to portray Rene Russo as your attractive wife – she’s a bad haircut from looking like Mickey Rourke with smaller boobies.
• What Women Want: had this movie possessed a single shred of authenticity, then the main character would have inherited a billion dollars with endless fame and adoration … not a soft-hearted, affectionate ability to listen.  Ask Kim Kardashian if Reggie Bush is a good listener.
• The Passion of the Christ: I am an American and every American knows that the Jews did not kill Jesus.  It was the Arabs.

What is Next?

Now that Mel Gibson has entered what Bill Simmons calls “The Tyson Zone” what else can we expect?  Is he ready for an encore?

His life is spiraling out of control.  He’s divorced from his long time wife with the dike haircut.  He’s separated from his Russian mail-order bride.  He talent agency has dumped him.  He’s being investigated by the LA police for domestic battery charges.  There are two things that can happen here – 1) he goes back to rehab (boo!  don’t do it, Mel!) … or 2) he decides its better to burn out than to fade away (woo hoo!).  Which will he end up doing?  I think I have the answer …

Just look deep into these charming eyes and tell me that you don’t see … Helter Skelter!  Helter Skelter!