Mel Gibson is in the news again.

Do I really need to say more than that?  You and I both know full well he’s nucking futs.  The days of Melly showing up as the world’s most handsome man … or saving 35 drowning kangaroos from a billabong in Yungaburra … whatever, those days are over.

He’s a drink away from a TMZ orgasm at any moment.  He’s a buttery nipple away from punching out his parole officer and another mug shot in a Banana Republic reject shirt.  He is one 30-pack away from having a hooker orgy in the Le Brea tar pits.  And isn’t that too bad?  Because I liked Bird on a Wire.  I liked Air America.  I liked Tequila Sunrise.  Ok, so none of that is true.

Yet I wonder sometimes if Mad Mel ever sits back in between his bouts of fall-down drunkedness and wonders to himself …

How did I become bat shit crazy?

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I’m glad and overjoyed that the World Cup is attracting so many new fans into the fold.  When I watch a match, I’m looking at the players, ball movement, and formations with the eye of someone that has played for 20 years.  What must it be like for the mind of a newbie, watching all of this frenetic running, often with little to show for it on the scoreboard?  Well, fear not, faithful readers.  I am going to share with you the secret of soccer.  Not just the secret of soccer, but of winning, championship soccer.  It’s the first word that Captain Kirk says at the start of every episode …

Space.

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There are a tangible host of great things about the World Cup other than just the football on the pitch.  There is the revival of pre-WWI levels of nationalistic fervor (before it became uncool for Germans to yell “We will destroy you!”).  There is an obsession with body painting hot girls in team colors (I’m not posting pics … Google).  There is a highlight of how different cultures celebrate (Africans = vuvuzelas, Brazilians = dance, English= head butting and profanity).  There is watching a third world soccer nation be tore apart with ruthless vigor by an international power (see Germany v. Saudi Arabia 1998, see Portugal v. North Korea 2010).

And there is the chance for as yet undiscovered or un-showcased talent to make a grand splash on the world stage.  Here is a quick list of players that have made an impact on their soccer stock as of the Round 16.  Of course, this is purely in my opinion.  And I’m an idiot. [Read Column]

An actual email, from an actual reader (one of my 5 loyal followers): [Read Column]