So much of the film industry is based off of handsome people.  The cleft chin, dimples, strong jaw, and abs … or big boobs, big boobs, and even more big boobs.  Exhibit A: Robert Pattinson.  Exhibit DD: Anna Nicole Smith.  But I tell you, faithful readers, that it is more often than not the Ugly People that make Hollywood’s most memorable films sparkle.  It is the character actor or quite simply the troglodyte from the mail room added as a last minute extra that adds realism, depth, and visceral resonance.

So here then is next edition of Who the Hell is This Guy?

Reggie Nalder

A veritable unknown except to hardcore film fans.  Reggie had a very distinct facial structure … probably resulting from the fact that he was born in Austria (1907) and looks like one of the inbred Hapsburg emperors.  Couple that with severe burns on his face and you’ve got … well … one ugly motherfucker.

Not to mention that only brothers can pull off a name like Reggie and make it cool.  If you are white and named Reggie, chances are highly likely that you got your ass stuffed into a couple of lockers.

But …

In that ugliness came a substantial film career that included The Manchurian Candidate, I Spy, and much more.

There are two characters that have lived long after Reggie’s passing (1991 – bone cancer) that I want to address in this column as part of Reginald’s resume to elicit your cinematic affections for him.

1. Ambassador Shras

The first is for  science fiction nerds – the Andorian ambassador in the original Star Trek TV series.  Yes, Andorian’s are the blue-skinned aliens (not Avatar) that have powder white wigs on (not English magistrates) … and vestigial penises on either side of their head.  See picture left.

That’s one creepy dude.  Broken, cranial wieners included.  Not to mention he gets serious props for rocking the chainmail.  Apparently, the Andorians were still fighting with swords and axes in their spaceships and thus needed interlocking steel rings.  I wonder how it protects against phasers?

And I might say that wearing a leather halberk with Aboriginal paisleys on it takes real courage.  Clearly this guy has not a concern in the world for what other people think.  Otherwise all the jokes about his penis ears might ruin cosmic peace proceedings.

Our guy, Reggie, played a species ambassador to the Babel Conference in episode #39.  There is an assassin hidden among the dignitaries that the Enterprise is supposed to deliver … an assassin dressed up as a Andorian!  But its not our guy Shras … apparently he’s a legit dickhead.  Danger ensues as the heroic Starfleet officers have to uncover the plot and save the galaxy.  I’m pretty sure that Kirk sticks his dirk in xenomorphic pooney, as well.

Andorian Fun Fact:  Did you know that there are FOUR genders for Andorians?  Two versions of a dude, two version of female.  And for them to make a baby all four have to GET IT ON orgy style?  Apparently, the Andorians are the interstellar preservers of the 1990s video craze, Girls Gone Wild.

2. Kurt Barlow

If you know me at all, you’ll know where this character ranks in my all-time list of all-time anythings … I am of course speaking about Kurt Barlow from Salem’s Lot.  In Stephen King’s book, the true source of the evil was really the Marsden House and the protagonist Ben Mears travels back to his hometown to confront the evil that he discovered there as a boy.  The vampire, Barlow, was merely attracted to the house like a moth to a flame.  This was during King’s exploration as things being inherently evil – such as a car (Christine), a hotel (the Shining), and even a dog (K. D. Lang … I mean Cujo).

Secondly, Kurt Barlow is depicted as an elegant, articulate vampire ala Count Dracula from the 1930s.  The change from cultured villain to feral creature is credited to producer Richard Kobritz.  The vampiric concept is based on the nosferatu, tracing from its film origins with the silent film, Nosferatu in 1922.   The vampire is not a creature of civilization, but demonic, bestial, and inhuman.  And it worked fabulously.

Take a look at that shit.

Can you believe that this was a TV movie back in 1979?  Holy crap!  Every time ‘the Master’ came on the screen, I’d literally piss myself and pass out.  Barlow easily cleared the terror factor of a 4-year old kid causing me immediately CTRL-ALT-DEL every time this grisly mug popped up.  System overload.  Could CGI ever come close to envisioning something so feral or scarred or demonic?  Heck no!

It’s no surprise to me that cuddly, dreamy-eyed, glitter vampires were still over thirty years away with this bad ass rampaging through small town Maine.  Edward Cullen can suck it.

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