This is going to seem like the most sexist column I ever write.

One of my best friends just got divorced 5 months ago.  Make no doubt about it there is no such thing as a happy divorce.  Is there a cheerful shark attack?  A joyous bout of testicle cancer? Nope.

Divorce is a slow, bone grinding, soul crushing march towards what seems more and more like life’s greatest and most public failure … until you actually get there.  Then its like taking off a 100 pound weight strapped to your neck (and simultaneously your balls), realizing that you don’t have to be miserable and bitter all the time.  That lying in the fetal position in your living room with Enya playing is not normal.  All this just so happens to come with the biggest cash payment you’ll ever hand over … just to be able to breathe again.

In effect, you’re ransoming your soul back from Lucifer.  That is if Lucifer constantly compared you to her friends’ husbands, wore overly expensive shoes, and whined that you can’t read her mind.

I talked to him before the big decision to get out, during it, and now – throughout the whole process.  His ups, his downs, and his WTFs.  And after taking this harrowing journey with my best buddy through the troubled waters of Lake Estrogen and seeing the inevitable toll it takes on the heart and mind, I have devised a time-tested solution (composed of 2 parts) that will take the downed spirits of my good friend and redeem them back to the heights of eagles.

Sure, it might be an over reaction on my part in an attempt to help my good, good friend.  Sure, it might be me living vicariously through him as a newly single guy.  But my solution focuses on …

Hot Girls.

Dr Lucky’s Path to Spiritual Healing

Part 1: The first thing I did was think about music.  No guy is going to ask for a shoulder to cry on.  So instead, I’m focusing on creating the soundtrack that my friend can listen to while he fires a shot gun at beer bottles in a profanity-fueled rage in the wilderness.  The greatest songs in our history have been songs about a broken heart.

Knowing my buddy’s particular circumstances, I chose an artist with the last name of Green.  No, not the immortal Al Green, but one with a slightly different message:

Music heals the wounded heart.  And nothing heals better than a big “Fuck You” to the offending party.

Part 2: The next thing in Operation: Life Saver is to get this guy the salvation from woman troubles.  How do you fix the wreckage of a man after he’s come out of a divorce?  That is obvious.  A hotter woman.  Call us shallow, superficial, or primal.  No really, call us that.  I insist.  I wear it as a badge of honor.  Men are simple.  And simple things only require simple solutions.  The old woman did you wrong?  Find a younger, hotter, more buxom model as a replacement, as a rebound.

Problem solved.

My good buddy needs a certain kind of woman, based partly on his own personality, but also on the Hell that he lived through for the past 5 years.  I consider it a karmic down payment.  With all that he went through, he’s probably entitled to a Tyra-level supermodel with a penchant for showering her boy toys with cars and video game consoles.

So I’ve put together a list of criteria to help pick the best candidate for his redemption and re-emergence.  Consider this a compilation of lessons learned from the Wicked Witch as well as my own desire to see the very best for my fallen comrade.

1. No gold diggers.
2. If you can’t volunteer a single place to eat when it comes time to pick a restaurant to eat dinner and only shoot down the 30 offered solutions, you should starve.
3. Don’t create relationship tests that are designed to make him choose between his friends and you.  You have boobies.  It’s not a fair contest.
4. You must be at least +5% hotter than how the ex-wife looks right now.
5. No gold diggers.  Seriously, can’t over state this.
6. If you insist on owning a cat as the couple’s pet, then he gets every Sunday off to drink beer and watch ninja movies.
7. Make a good bean dip.  Seven layers of Tex-Mex glory.  My buddy is great on the grill.  Things like this are meant to be together.
8. Love the foxhole.  And by this, I mean stand with your man, be solution-focused in times of stress (such as picking a restaurant, see #2) rather than flexing your ability to make everyone wish for death through incessant complaining.
9. A healthy love of Age of Empires is a big plus.
10. If you cheer for a Texas university as your favorite sports team, you’ll need to have a D-cup or more.  Sorry, but something is going to have to distract him from the senseless yammer about teams that suck.
11. If you’re a gold digger, I’ll fly over from Australia and hit you with my rental car.
12. Understand that most men, particularly my buddy, express their affection in listening and doing things for you.  Appreciate that.
13. Understand that most men, particularly my buddy, cannot gossip, read your mind, or empathize with every silly problem you have.  That’s why you have girlfriends.
14. My buddy travels quite a bit for work.  Just let him come home and sleep off his jet lag without shoving crazy down his throat.  The rest of the weekend will be x100 times happier for everyone.
15. My buddy has a handsome, intelligent friend that writes a funny and life-changing blog in Australia – go to this guy (whatever his name may be) for relationship advice.
16. Not to beat a dead horse, but if you’re a gold digger, I swear to God …
17. It helps if you’re shorter than 5′ 8″.  In heels.
18. My buddy may have Vietnam-style flashbacks to the horrors of his married life.  Just back away slowly and hide your cat.  Come back 12 hours later with a bag of Funyuns.  All will be well.
19. The last one was white.  So I’m thinking something with some flavor this time.  Latina?  Asian?  Sistah?  Yes.  To all three.  Same time.  Hey, he just came out of a bad marriage, don’t judge.
20. If you dig for gold, then you’d better be a Chilean miner otherwise I will hire someone to bury you in that very sinkhole, closer to the very depths of Hell from which you spawned …  I feel better now.

That’s it.  Simple criteria and guidelines.  So if you meet these 20 items … and you’re gloriously hot and independently wealthy … I have a loyal, nice, soft spoken guy looking to rebound in Epic fashion with the new Mrs. Awesome.  Send me all relevant details.

Did I mention Double D’s are a plus?