Ass kicking is an American obsession. Need proof? Only 17 other countries in the world have a Gross Domestic Product (i.e. the sum of their entire economy) greater than our 2009 Defense Budget ($689 million). Americans boast a war record of 1,010,067 to 1. Our only blemish … so far … is Vietnam. We can all agree that it was a war that we dominated, but ultimately lost on penalty kicks.

Uncle Sam loves ass kicking. And like all great things American, we have exported our love of ass-kickery along with our Big Macs and Gangsta Rap around the world.  Now the entire world flocks to cinemas to see one warrior standing against a horde of unrelenting killers.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you … the One Man Army.

There are Rules to Fighting

Before I get into the Top 10 list, let me first explain qualification:

• Must be Human
• Must work alone
• No Superpowers or Super Technologies
• Must use Guns … often
• Cannot fight against aliens, vampires, or other fantastical creatures
• No Hong Kong cop movies (otherwise the entire list would be just HK cop movies)
• The movie cannot just suck ass

That eliminates Riddick (non-human), Martin Riggs (works with a partner), Bruce Lee (no guns), Universal Soldier (advanced technology), Blade (vampire killer), every movie by Chow Yun-Fat (HK cop gore fests), and any movie with Reb Brown (movies on par with week old dog turds), among others.  But the field is still ripe with explosions, dead bodies, and awesomeness.

Also, surprisingly there are no African Americans on this list, but only because there haven’t been enough movies to star a black actor with the appropriate body counts.  Solo (1996) starring Mario Van Peebles is as close as it comes, but he was a military super soldier and thus disqualified.  Action Jackson?  6 kills.  Shaft?  2 kills.  Sorry.

Second, let’s establish a baseline for how we judge our candidates.  Yes, body count is a big factor, but not the only factor.  Some of it is based on the awesomeness of the movie, the coolness of the character concept, and ultimately if two candidates are basically tied – who would win in a fight? Basically, its completely my personal opinion.

Honorable Mention

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Ultimatum):  I put Mr. Bourne on the list in spite of a very few on-screen kills across 3 movies (a paltry 10 bodies in total), because he represents the new style in action movies – the realistic indestructible, brain-washed, super spy.  His story is told as if it could potentially happen.  Well, sorta.  His other problem is that he spends most of the movie in a state of psychological, self-introspected conflict, which wastes a lot of screen time that he should be using emptying a pair of chrome Uzis into French assholes.  Even with those limitations, he still shines for introducing Western audiences to eskrima … plus the car chase scene in the Bourne Identity rivals Ronin.

J. J. McQuade (Lone Wolf McQuade): Didn’t you just know that Chuck Norris would be on here?  He was almost disqualified for having superhuman powers, but that’s Chuck in real life.  His movie characters are actually weakened for believability.  Lone Wolf McQuade spends half of this movie with his shirt off and unlike today’s action stars, he is rocking the chest, shoulder, and back hair with pride.  His body count for just a lone movie is a respectable 26.  Quite honestly, Chuck could have earned another honorable mention (or two) with Invasion USA, but as you’ll see later in the list … he’s already got enough representation.

Charly Baltimore (The Long Kiss Goodnight): Also known as Samantha Caine, Charly is another fractured psyche coming to grips with her killing skills.  She actually starts as a home maker and domestic goddess, but ends the movie on a rampant shooting spree with heavy mascara and bleach-white hair, bagging an even 30 bad guys.  Unlike Jason Bourne above, once she gets over her mental anguish at discovering she’s a government trained operative, Baltimore embraces it with gusto.  Another distinction of this character is that she places second all-time for witty remarks in an action movie.

Snake (Escape from New York, Escape from L.A.):  It really hurt my soul not to put Snake inside of the Top 10, but the stats speak for themselves. In two movies, he netted only 33 kills (and just 8 in his debut).  Oh, the lost opportunity!  He was dropped into a city of armed convicts led by Isaac Hayes with the mission to rescue the President.  If only Quentin Tarrantino had this script … Another point against Snake is his real name.  Its … Bob Plissken.  I guess before his military service and purple heart, he was a muffler specialist in Idaho.  Seriously.  Bob Plissken?  He earns some redemption for inspiring the Metal Gear Solid hero, Solid Snake.  Inspire?  Or completely ripped-off?  You decide.

Marion Cobretti (Cobra): Of all of the Honorable Mentions, Cobra has the best villain to match up against and that only increases his level of awesomeness.  The killer is the leader of a white supremacist group called the New Order.  I guess they didn’t realize that white supremacy is about as old as Marco Polo, but Old Order didn’t sound as good, eh?  The killer is named the Night Slasher and he carries a wicked looking knife, one that rednecks all over America rushed out and bought the day after seeing the movie.  Cobretti (the lamest attempt to reverse inspire a nickname ever) gets himself 36 kills in just a single movie.

The Man with No Name (A Fistful of Dollars, A Few Dollars More, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly): Known variously as Joe, Manco, and Blondie throughout the three movies, the MwNN nets 41 bodies total.  His average kill per movie is low, but remember that he didn’t have the benefit of automatic weapons.  Plus, he’s got some of the best one-liners in movie history.  Impressive considering that the MwNN was using a Colt Single Action Army Revolver.  Single Action even!  If he’d been armed with explosive arrow heads, I’m sure half of San Miguel would be dead.

John McClane (Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Die Hard with a Vengeance, Live Free or Die Hard): Our friendly NY cop, also known as Roy, netted himself 58 terrorists and mercenaries of various affiliations across four movies.  His high was in the second movie with 23 kills (and probably more since he exploded an entire jet liner as it was taking off to escape).  In the process, McClane was nearly dead after each movie and all for a not so hot Bonnie Bedelia.  That’s not a bonus.  Priorities, Roy!  What IS a bonus is that the Die Hard movies created the funniest character in the action movie genre.  Yippee kai yay, motherfucker.

Paul Kersey (Death Wish): I’m betting you didn’t know this character’s name was Paul Kersey.  Me either.  I just knew Charles Bronson was a guy walking around bagging people with far less discrimination than Dirty Harry (64 bodies).  One thing about Death Wish … its your dad’s action movie. Other than the Westerns above, this is the oldest (1974) and that detracts from its overall effectiveness.  Yes, it was a pioneer in crazy, rogue cop stories, but had it been made in the 80s with a younger Charles Bronson (see Magnificent Seven), this movie would have no doubt doubled or tripled the amount of bullets fired per second.  And that is always a good thing.

And now …

#10 – Nikolai Rachenko

Movie: Red Scorpion (1988)

Body Count: 48

I know what you’re thinking … who the hell is Nikolai Rachenko and why is he ranked so high?

Red Scorpion rates so highly because this is the best use of 6′ 5″, karate champion Dolph Lundgren ever (okay, okay … a tie with Ivan Drago).  Completely under-rated action flick and yet with so much more potential never realized. Nikolai is sent to Africa to kill an insurgent leader, but takes a pit stop at a USSR watering hole filled with international soldiers to drunkenly sing the Russian National anthem and beat the shit out of everyone and then unload an entire AK-47 magazine into the bar.

Before he can complete his mission, Rachenko has a change of heart when he finds that other Russians and some Cubans are smoking more than just African weed.  The locals (and their gazelles) are target practice for Hind helicopters.  I guess he never went to Afghanistan … or Vietnam … or North Korea … or Siberia … or

Rachenko gets some soul by hanging out with a 4-foot tall African pygmy.  He then returns to kill his Russian overlords with extreme prejudice. There is a scene where he actually is so tall that he is able to stomp on another human being’s chest.  That scene alone made me skid mark my pants when I first saw it.

In another particularly poignant scene, the Cuban commander tries to lob a grenade at our hero … so Rachenko blasts off the guy’s arm at the elbow using a double-barreled AO-63 Assault Rifle with a drum magazine (RoF 6000 rds/min; see in picture above).  The evil douche bag’s arm lands at his feet, still holding the grenade.

BOOM!

 #9 – Josey Wales

Movie: The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)

Body Count: 55

I bet out of all of the Clint Eastwood movies – Heartbreak Ridge, the Dirty Harry Series, Pale Rider, Unforgiven - you’d have never picked this one as his most prolific death machine.  Well, the Wild West was … wild.  In brief, Josey Wales is moved to pick up his guns after his family is brutally murdered in the Antebellum frontier … surprisingly by Unionist soldiers. After killing several of his enemies in the pursuit of his sweet vengeance, he is betrayed by his ex-Confederate gang and … kills them as well!

There is a great scene where he commandeers a Gatling gun (by succinctly shooting the unsuspecting Union soldiers guarding it) and then unleashes a torrent of bullets into the rushing legions of idiot soldiers.  I only wish he had cackled maniacally while doing it.

Perhaps as a homage, Josey carries TWO Walker Colts.  These are the most powerful black powder revolvers ever created and were so heavy that Texas Rangers (for whom they were designed) holstered them on their saddles rather than their belts.  It holds x3 the gun powder as a standard revolver and boasts an amazing .44 caliber round.

.44 Caliber?!  That’s right, the same caliber used by Dirty Harry.

By the way, as was common in the percussion cap days, he also carried four or five other revolvers, because loading those things is a bitch.

#8 – Casey Ryback

Movie: Under Siege, Under Sige 2: Dark Territory

Body Count: 54 (30 +24)

We’re taking a tiny step back in our body count total, but more movies means more opportunities for heroic stares into the ether, new villains, and more guns.  And let’s be honest, do you really think any of the previous guys could take Ryback?

Casey Ryback was a Navy SEAL trigger man that lost most of his strike team due to bad intelligence.  Well, he went apeshit and struck his commanding officer … probably with the same front snap kick he taught Anderson Silva.  The only way for him to keep his place in the Navy (and his pension) was to take the role of a lowly cook.

Lo and behold, Strannix and his band of psychedelic radicals (actually cash grabbing mercs in disguise) happen to attack and hold ransom the very battleship that Chef Casey is working on.  And at the same time, a nude, Playboy Playmate was supposed to jump out of a cake as a morale booster for 1000 horny seamen.

In the sequel, he is again fighting military specialist turned traitor, Penn (though not nearly as cool as the knife wielding Strannix), but this time on a train.  I guess the third movie would have to be on an airplane.  The fourth … a ferris wheel?

As a bit of trivia, Katherine Heigl was in this movie as Casey’s niece.  Nice.

#7 – John Preston

Movie: Equilibrium (2002)

Body Count: 76

Now we’re starting to approach some serious firepower.  Seventy six kills in a single movie is certainly an accomplishment.  John Preston is a Tetragrammaton Cleric, charged with finding people that like art or reading and … shooting them.  I think he moonlights in the Tea Party on the weekends.  Now what takes the Cleric out of the ranks from your typical goose stepping pistoleers all the way to #8 on this list is … gun kata.

Oooh.

It is a martial arts designed to fight with guns – predicting firing angles, bullet paths, efficiency of movement, and incorporating traditional wing chun into parries and strikes involving the weapon itself.  Sound too cool to be true?  This clip will give you wood.

His preferred weapons are heavily modified Beretta 92FS, converted to fully automatic, with longer barrels, and hidden spikes in the grip.  Preston keeps them in a concealed, spring-loaded quick draw rig underneath the sleeves of his long coat.

#6 – Mr. Smith

Movie: Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)

Body Count: 95

NINETY-FIVE kills in a single movie!  That’s got to be a record …. but it isn’t.  That distinction is held for another guy further down the list.  Let’s be honest – I never would have put the glib Mr. Smith (admirably played by Clive Owen) on this list if it wasn’t just for the insane body count, including several with a carrot.

And the Bullet Proof Baby.  You know the one that he carries around through multiple gun fights and yet it remains unscathed, unharmed, and even unsoiled.  I’ve got two kids … we can’t even go to the grocery store without one of them dropping an Idi Amin in their shorts.

In fact, if it wasn’t for the tireless work of Guy Ritchie, most Americans would still be convinced that Brits used muskets … and were pussies.  Mr. Smith can thank him, because his tireless spray of lead earned him the seventh spot.  And he ends up with Monica Bellucci – even if she is lactating throughout the entire movie.  But hey – when you’re voted the Most Beautiful Woman in the World … you’re permitted some allowances.  Even their love scene still has 8 kills.

Working against this movie is that no one saw it.  World wide it grabbed only $26 million in the theatres.  Critics were sharply divided on whether the movie was trash … or pulp gold.  For me, it doesn’t matter, because there are enough dead minions loaded with bullet holes to build a log cabin.

Part II (#5 to #1)

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