Throughout the history of the human race, men (and Prussian women) have been looking for a chemical advantage in maximizing their manliness. In Ancient China, kings would drink potions of powdered tiger penis for virility. The Ancient Romans preferred … God, I loathe to even type this … menstrual … fluids. I am gargling battery acid as we speak.

Thankfully, the performance enhancing drugs of today have been simplified into the cream, the clear, and pills. Steroids, HGH, and more. And you know what?  I can’t think of a single activity that cannot be improved by steroids. They are – quite simply – awesome. I’m not saying I’ve ever used them – no, my Adonis like body is completely natural. Yet, I’m still certain of their awesomeness. You want to know why they are awesome … ?

Because they work.

The evidence is particularly compelling from the activities where steroids has been used extensively, which I’ll detail below. The only factor to consider then is the ethical obstacles to jumping feet first into juicing.

Well, that and incy-wincy smurf nuts.

Professional Wrestling

No other facet of our society has suffered more greatly in the moral outcry against steroids and other body enhancing supplements than Professional Wrestling (aka Sports Entertainment).  I came of age during the late 70s and 80s when pro-wrestlers were bastions of masculinity and female wrestlers were the bastions of … masculinity. Okay, I admit that probably doesn’t support my hypothesis. Let’s move on.

The 80s was the age of anabolic power that un-repentantly produced such stars as Hogan (obviously), Ravishing Rick Rude, Superstar Billy Graham, and Ivan Putski.

Everything was going just great until 1992, when news sources began to leak that wrestlers were receiving illegal supplements from a Dr. Zahorian, Hulk Hogan in particular.  It went to trial in 1994 and lasted until 1997, during which the WWE reportedly spent $5 million on its own legal defense.  And – whammo – ever since steroids was no longer put out with the catering backstage.

Just take a look at some comparisons of wrestlers from the days of yore compared to today.  First, look at “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff (debut 1976) as compared to the most popular wrestler of today, CM Punk (debut 1999).

Or the Texas Tornado, Kerry von Erich (debut 1979), compared to Randy Orton (debut 2000).

Now this generation does have its muscly guy – a former body builder no less.  And that’s the hip hop wannabe, jort-wearing John Cena, aka Mr. Lame-Ass (2001).  How do you think he stacks up compared to the “muscle” guys of the past … say Lex Luger (debut 1985)?

If you ask me, Cena looks like he’d be strapped to a rape stand in the old days for pre-match warm ups.  You know the other thing that the absence of steriods has done to wrestling?  It removed the random chance of roid-rage explosion.  Aren’t we all losers when that happens?  Just think about what an entire generation of children are missing.

Remember this classic?

The second ear slap (0:37) nearly decapitates that dumbass reporter. Awesome.

Finally, in regards to rasslin’, if steroids never existed we never ever would have had the Ultimate Warrior. A guy whose only premise is to direct inject horse semen into his biceps, sprint into the ring, freak out on the ring ropes, and then incoherently bellow into the microphone about other dimensions.

Don’t believe me?  Check out this crazy shit and you tell me what the hell he is screaming about?

Selected Quote starting at 0:40: (snorting) “There is nothing … hovering … what I live for, Hogan … I need not the NORMALS … to protect from what I find … most comforting … THE CHALLENGE OF PAIN!”  What the fuck did this guy put in his corn flakes?

Real Sports

I’m not saying wrestling is fake … its still real to me, dammit … I’m saying that steroids also had a major, major impact in other mainstream, athletic competitions.  In fact, steroids saved baseball.  The 1994 World Series was canceled due to a player strike in regards to the negotiation of a new collective bargaining agreement.  It was the first WS to be canceled since 1904 … and fans were pissed.

In 1993 – the year before the strike, total baseball attendance was 70.2 million.  In 1995 – the year after, total baseball attendance dropped to 60.1 million.  That’s a decline of nearly 15% when you think that fans would be bursting to get back to the ballpark.  Nope.  They said “fuck it, I’m watching the NFL.”

Then in 1998, guys starting hitting home runs.  In particular, these guys:

There is an adage in baseball that has been true since the game was first invented: chicks dig the long ball.  Power is the most exciting thing to watch in an otherwise sucky game. So let’s just focus on the legendary home run.  Do you know how many guys hit 60 or more home runs before the 1994 Strike?

• 1927 – Babe Ruth hit 60
• 1961 – Roger Maris hit 61*

Two.  How many 50+ HR seasons before 1994 in 125 years of baseball? 16.

In 1998, Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were setting a dinger pace that looked like it might break Maris’ record – one of the most hallowed records in all of sports.  Their story captivating the nation. Records fell.  It’s the period known as the Juiced Ball.  How many 60+ home run seasons in that era?

• 1998 – Mark McGuire hits 70
• 1998 – Sammy Sosa hits 66
• 1999 – Mark McGuire hits 65
• 1999 – Sammy Sosa hits 65
• 2001 – Sammy Sosa hits 64
• 2001 – Barry Bonds hits 73

Add onto that another 18 seasons of 50+ home runs since 1995 (16 years).  Hmmm … ?  With baseball struggling with attendance a few years after the strike, guess what the average attendance was during the Era of the Long Ball.  It was 71,500,000.  Not only did baseball recover from its -15% dip from fan frustration, but it actually reached all-time highs in total season attendance to that point. Truth is all of sports has greatly benefited, as well.

Thank you, steroids.  Signed Bud Selig. And Lance Armstrong, as well. (you’ll see)

Reality TV

Have you even seen The Jersey Shore?  It’s one of the highest-rated reality TV shows on the planet, averaging 9+ million viewers in the USA alone per episode for season 4 so far.  Basically, it is just like the Real World except they keep bringing back the same bunch of guido knuckle-heads each season.  For some reason … it works.  And you know why?  STEROIDS!

They embrace it.  They love it.  They worship it.  Shit, even the girls are saying that their ideal men are gorilla, juice-heads.  And I love them for it. Ronnie (pictured above) wouldn’t even be watchable if he wasn’t snorting gorilla testosterone extract before every workout.?  He’s got the IQ of Franklin Stove, yet somehow he is Must See TV.  Have you see his rages as he goes Rampage all over Sammi’s stuff?  Thank you, BALCO, for my Thursday night entertainment.

Imagine if other shows had this attitude towards PEDs.  Just how awesome would it be if Survivor had three circus freaks fighting over a syringe right before an Immunity Challenge.  Oh God of the Israelites, make this happen!

Movies

What was the best period in action movies?  The 1980s obviously.  We had Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at their peak. Funny coincidence that the best period in Sports Entertainment (i.e. Professional Wrestling) was also in the 1980s. Hmm. Interesting. You want to know what else these action stars have in common with wrestlers? Each of them are unapologetic ‘roiders. Woo hoo!

• Arnold openly admits that he used steroids extensively during his body building days int he 1970s … on route to earning seven Mr. Olympia contests, appearing in over 40 action movies (some of them the very best in the genre), serving as the governor of California, and monkey humping anything that moved from Brazil to Austria.
• Sly‘s career is just as impressive – he did some low budget porn (is there any other kind?), appeared in over 60 movies, and created some of the most iconic characters of Americana.  Lately, his career has experienced a resurgence with Rocky Balboa (2006), Rambo (2008), and The Expendables (2010).  The guy is well into his 60s! What is his secret at still being one of the most bank-able actions tars in Hollywood? Sly was busted coming into Australia with 48 vials of HGH in 2007.

The Downside?

Okay, okay.  Yes – there are risks for taking steroids.  Sure.  I’m not a fool and I won’t lie to you.

For instance, apparently steroids causes testicular shrinkage.  Your cajones might shrink up like raisins in the sun. You’ll probably be packing as much heat as Papa Smurf. No pics and you’re welcome.  Or you could develop a brain tumor like Lyle Alzado.  And then there are the scores of dead wrestlers that burned out faster than a Roman candle.

But … I say … this is America!  Clearly, there is a segment of the population that will risk everything and anything to make themselves muscle mutoids.  And I say why should we stop them?

• If … we let people get into a ring and punch each other in the face until one of them is KTFO … or even killed … as a career often ending in slurred speech, loss of motor skills, and severe brain damage.  Then why not let people take steroids.
• If … we have medical marijuana to treat everything from hang nails to bad hair day depression, then why not let people take steroids.
• If … FOX airs shows were human beings compete against animals in sprinting, eating, climbing, and feats of strength … or there is a televised contest for a self-absorbed, Narcissitic bachelor to pick the least neurotic option from the Gold Diggers club … then why not let people take steroids.
• If … you can own a semi-assault rifle for home defense, then why can’t you take steroids for home defense?  WHY?!
• If … we sell alcohol that requires a flame-proof cap because the alcohol proof would burn off Satan’s tongue, then why can’t we legalize steroids?

Steroids is a victim-less crime. They only people they are hurting are themselves … other than the occasional juice-enhanced shooting spree. PEDs have been around in some form or another since primates stopped picking fleas off of each other and starting living in a hut down by the river. Guys can use Creatine, but not anabolic? They can use stem cells, but not HGH?  Why? Don’t these regulatory bodies read comic books?  Nearly every great superhero has been ‘enhanced’ artificially somehow.  Captain America. Spiderman. The Incredible Hulk. The list goes on and on.

I want to live in a world with superheroes!  And not just the X-Men!

Fuck, I don’t care if you want to have a clean league for the pansies and a doping league for the Bad-Ass-Mother-Fuckers.  Do it. Just look up how many people watch the WNBA.  Everyone wants to see bigger, stronger, faster, higher, quicker, meaner, cooler, badder, awesomer. I for one am watching the guys that can bench a 1000 pounds with melon-sized craniums.  Bring it on.

And let’s face it.  We’ll never get doping out of sports. Hasn’t the Olympics taught you that? The mad scientists out there are already working on the next wave of penis-shrinking, bicep-building wonder drugs. There’s too much money in designer drugs … or gene therapy … or gamma radiation … or whatever the latest technique or Super Soldier Serum will be.

So I say … let’s embrace it. Let the freaks be freaks. I personally can’t wait for a guy to dunk from the three point line … or to run a 8.5 second 100 yard dash … or to hit 91 home runs in a season.

What? Me? You’re asking if I’d ever take steroids? Hell no. You think I’d live with a pair of blue, Smurf nuts?  Fuck that.