The USA recently had its credit rating dropped from AAA to AA+ after a long, pointless, and self-destructive Mexican stand off between the two extremes of crazy from the Left and the Right.  Standard & Poors based their downgrade on the political infighting over simple budgetary decisions, the growing debt to GDP, and the gross mishandling of the Transformers franchise.  The future outlook for the United States, according to S&P, is negative.

No shit.

But … do not fret, Sweet US of A, because most of the Americans that dwell inside your borders already have bad credit and have had bad credit for years.  This is the the land of the leased and leveraged.  And over those years, a unique type of expertise has been carefully crafted.  Daresay a plethora of ways have been invented and perfected to skirt bad debt, bad spending, and bad credit (yes, El Guapo, I said plethora).  Keep your head up, America, you CAN continue to live like a baller even with bad credit.

The Basics

1. Never answer the phone.  It’s probably China.  I recommend getting Caller ID.  Or even better, get a pre-paid mobile phone and only give the number out to NATO members.

2. Selective bill pay.  Does the Capital Building need gas and electricity?  What about the summer months?  Just open a window, you babies.  In fact, on really cold days, lets just go hang out in Sweden.  They’ve got heating in every room.  No sense in us heating the entire USA if we’re not even there during the day.

3. Pawn your assets.  How much can we get for the Statue of Liberty, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Hoover Dam?  We’ll throw in Detroit for free.

4. Reduced services.  The mailman comes only once per week.  Learn to use email, primate.

5. If something breaks, don’t go fix it right away.  Rookie mistake.  Learn the art of selective repair.  Often times a coat hangar and a few layers of duct tape will fix anything … including an M16.

Advanced Techniques

6. There are enough countries that still want the US dollar for us to creatively pay off our debt.  For instance, lets say Japan is clamoring for repayment.  No problem.  Borrow the full amount from England!  Repeat until someone catches on.

7. It’s time Canada started contributing to the awesomeness that we’ve created in North America.  They’ve been riding our coat tails far too long.  In return, we’d like their assistance in the form of a co-signer for the new Stealth Bomber.

8. Our credit is wrecked, but that doesn’t mean we can’t use our children’s credit, right?  Its unblemished and debt free, so from now on all Treasury Bonds will be released in the name of Rhode Island.  Who cares if they default?

9. Donate plasma.  The good news is you get more for your second donation!  Other things we can donate: migrant laborers, basketball players, and Alaskan MILFs.

10. Sponsor a United Nations food stamp program.  I’m sure that Ireland and Greece would vote for it.

Master Class

11. Redraw our borders.  Other than drug murders and bad TV, Mexico isn’t contributing much.  We need a rich neighbor – like natural gas hoarder Russia.  That way we can pirate their cable hook-up and steal their wireless Internet.

12. New national menu specializing in Kool Aid and Ramen Noodle.  On special days, we can cut up hot dogs for the Ramen.  Mmm, mmm, good.

13. No more freebies.  I’m sorry to tell you this, Iraq and Afghanistan, but we’ve actually been ensuring your national security and individual freedoms as part of a non-verbal, service agreement.  Let’s see … ten years of tanks, bombs, and soldiers … that’ll be $1 trillion dollars.  Thanks!

14.  Dual citizenship.  Every American immediately gets citizenship to a socialized country.  Healthcare crisis solved.  And a nice fuck you to France.

15. Dissolve the Union.  The United States of America can’t owe anyone any debt if the states are no longer United, right?  Big corporations do this all the time.  Give it a few months and then reform into the debt-free Awesome League of States!  This time though we can be more selective about membership – I am talking to you, Delaware!

BONUS: Tax the wealthy.  Hold on, conservatives.  I said wealthy.  I didn’t say American wealthy.  If we can invade a foreign country for oil, then why can’t we force J. K. Rowling to donate a few billion dollars?  I’m pretty sure a few Abrams tank could take Hogwarts.

So don’t fret, USA.  When the media and the rest of the world are leaping off the top rope like a Macho Man flying elbow just remember – what does good ole Uncle Sam think about our bad credit rating?