The Lost Emperor: What To Do With Fedor Emelianenko

Posted: January 31, 2012

For an entire decade, the baddest man on the planet was a soft-spoken, inscrutable, highly religious man with a nuclear right hand from the Russian country side. I am speaking of course of Fedor Emelianenko. He is the Muhammed Ali of mixed martial arts, minus the swagger. He is the T-800 terminator minus Sarah Conner.

And now three losses later, he is wasting away in a nothing promotion, fighting never-will-be’s and has-been’s. The best that’s ever lived is lost in MMA purgatory.

How did this happen? And what is next?

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“Sugar” Rashad Evans (16-1-1) headlines the UFC on FOX event this weekend, January 28, 2012. His opponent is the new MMA prototype of young, hyper-athletic, next generation fighter, Phil Davis (9-0), a fighter cut from the same cloth as current champion Jon Jones.

Evans has been the number 1 contender to reclaim his old belt for nearly two years now and is the consensus #2 light heavyweight in the world by every reputable poll.  He is an athletic, powerful collegiate wrestler with quick hands and good power.  By every measure, including his phenomenal record with wins over Rampage, Liddell, Bisping, Thiago Silva, and Tito Ortiz, Evans is a top tier fighter. One of the elites.

Or so you would think, but Rashad Evans has a dirty, little secret. A secret that he’s been able to conceal with lucky timing, wrestling, and quickness. A secret that the casual MMA fan would never know and something the UFC would never admit.

Rashad Evans has no chin.

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Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos (10-1, 1 NC) is arguably the most dominant fighter in combat sports. Male or female. Blessed with amazing power and strength, Cyborg blasted her opponents with the type of savage Muay Thai you’d expect from the most lethal Chute Box fighters, such as Wanderlei, Shogun, and Anderson.

A fighter with her abilities and fire should be the legitimizing force in a sport desperately needing validation and its first mega-star. Yet the greatest female combatant to ever step into an octagon has destroyed her own legacy and left the entire sport of Women’s MMA in flames.

It all started on August 15, 2009 … but we’ll get back to that in just a second.

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t has been a hell of a millennium so far for Superhero movies after a less than impressive 1990s and, quite frankly, a downright embarrassing 1980s. Should we even mention the 70s or 60s? We as a species have finally figured out how to make awesome movies with super-powered heroes and villains. Thanks be to Galactus.

These were the stories that defined my childhood. I wasn’t running around my house pretending to be John Wayne or a fireman or an astronaut. I was pretending to be the Incredible Hulk. So to see the ongoing crapfest during my childhood that was visiting the cinema each year, particularly with my favorite brand (Marvel), was in a word … heartbreaking.

There were baby steps along the way, small moments of brilliance amid a desolate wasteland of fetid turds. Hits such as Superman (1978), of course The Incredible Hulk serial (1978-82), Batman (1989), and Blade (1998). At last, after years and years of waiting, the genre exploded with the genre defining X-Men (2000). Woo Hoo!

I was already 24 years old. Damn.

Since then Marvel and DC have rattled off movie after movie each year. In 2011 alone, we saw Thor, X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern, and Captain America: The First Avenger and 2012 looks to be even bigger (Ghost Rider 2, The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man, and The Dark Knight Rises). Lots and lots of super-movies. So many in fact, that you’d think that Hollywood would have a basic understanding of the rules of making a superhero movie.

And yet, somehow … they don’t.

But never fear, business executives masquerading as studio producers, I am here to save the day. Here are the 10 Rules of Superhero Movies.

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On December 30, 2011 at UFC 141, Brock Lesnar entered the octagon for the eighth time against Alistair Overeem (36-11). Two minutes, twenty six seconds, and a liver kick later, the fight and Lesnar’s career were over.

In the post-match interview with Rogan, Lesnar humbly declared his retirement after two tough years of illness, surgery, and successive losses. He was an NCAA champion, a professional wrestler, a failed football player, and now a retired cage fighter.

Its now our job to figure out what Brock and his short, but enigmatic career actually meant.

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