t has been a hell of a millennium so far for Superhero movies after a less than impressive 1990s and, quite frankly, a downright embarrassing 1980s. Should we even mention the 70s or 60s? We as a species have finally figured out how to make awesome movies with super-powered heroes and villains. Thanks be to Galactus.

These were the stories that defined my childhood. I wasn’t running around my house pretending to be John Wayne or a fireman or an astronaut. I was pretending to be the Incredible Hulk. So to see the ongoing crapfest during my childhood that was visiting the cinema each year, particularly with my favorite brand (Marvel), was in a word … heartbreaking.

There were baby steps along the way, small moments of brilliance amid a desolate wasteland of fetid turds. Hits such as Superman (1978), of course The Incredible Hulk serial (1978-82), Batman (1989), and Blade (1998). At last, after years and years of waiting, the genre exploded with the genre defining X-Men (2000). Woo Hoo!

I was already 24 years old. Damn.

Since then Marvel and DC have rattled off movie after movie each year. In 2011 alone, we saw Thor, X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern, and Captain America: The First Avenger and 2012 looks to be even bigger (Ghost Rider 2, The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man, and The Dark Knight Rises). Lots and lots of super-movies. So many in fact, that you’d think that Hollywood would have a basic understanding of the rules of making a superhero movie.

And yet, somehow … they don’t.

But never fear, business executives masquerading as studio producers, I am here to save the day. Here are the 10 Rules of Superhero Movies.

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I moved back to the place of my birth, Stillwater OK, in 1990. I was thirteen years old. Back in Texas, I was drinking, smoking weed, regularly skipping class, getting sent to adult re-education, and had the hair of a British rockstar. I came from a bad family with more problems than British Petroleum (emotional/physical abuse, neglect, poverty, blah blah blah). I was anti-social, didn’t speak, didn’t eat at cafeteria time, and very much wanted to disappear from the face of the earth rather than have to deal with any more teasing or bullying.

Four years later, I ran for Student Council President of Stillwater High School. [Read Column]

Ahhhhh Shit.  Time for two defense contractors to put up or shut up.  Here are two super soldier programs that claimed have to invented the next generation of combat soldier.   The best of WWII vs. the new age of ass-kickers.  Its Captain America … against Universal Soldier.

Note: Just remember, this is not a popularity test.  Like all of my other vs. columns, I’m seeing who would win in a fight, not who do I like better.

ORIGINS

Captain America:  Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, was a bright, but wimpy kid that desperately wanted to serve his country.  Unfortunately, they didn’t allow pussies (apparently, they didn’t have the Air Force back in those days).  So Uncle Sam said, “beat it.”

Not to be deterred Lil Stevie then volunteered for medical testing.  Lucky for our guy, he wasn’t one of the Tuskegee Airman, but rather a candidate for the Super Soldier Serum.  For whatever reason, the cocktail of HGH, steroids, and methamphetemines they pumped into Steve Rogers made him bigger than Dwayne Johnson, faster than Michael Johnson, stronger than Mariusz Pudzianowski, and more agile than Mary Lou Retton.  Morale of the story, kids?  Drugs are fun.  They’ll make you better.

In no time at all, Captain America has handed the ideal weapon for a war of bombs, rockets, and machine guns (obviously, a shield with a target painted on it) and sent to fight Nazis.  And not in Castle Wolfenstein.  I mean actual Nazis.  The National Socialist Party.  That’s right, Steve Rogers is apparently over 90 years old.

Apparently his little brother was this guy …

Universal Soldier: Way back in 1969, a couple of American soldiers secured a Vietnamese village suspected of harboring and aiding Viet Cong guerillas.  And of course by American soldiers, I mean a 7′ Swede and a 5′ Belgian, butchering their lines with thick Euro accents.  In fact, by my calculations through all three movies less than half of the UniSols are actually portrayed by American-born actors (6/14).

Well, Mai Lai be damned, our crazy Swede, aka Andrew Scott, wasn’t about to be outdone by some leathernecks, so … he kills the entire village and wears their ears as a necklace.  Our runty Belgian, aka Luc Deveraux, promises to look the other so long as he gets to go home.  Well, push come to shove, Dolph calls him a traitor and they kill each other (with no less than 5 gun shots to the chest … each).

For some reason, these two bullet-ridden guys (along with other single chromosome neanderthals) sit on ice for 20 years.  20 YEARS?! I guess the USA wasn’t in another war to collect unwitting soldier cadavers from … oh wait, yes we were.  A lot of them in fact.  And you’d think they could find a specimen that didn’t have three pounds of .50 ammunition sitting inside his chest.  Anyway, the UniSol program was born.  Luc Deveraux became GR-44 and Andrew Scott became GR-13.  These guys are stronger, faster, and regenerate flesh wounds.

They were field tested against terrorists that have booby-trapped the … Hoover Dam.  Apparently, these guys are very much against hydroelectric power.  Personally, I’m also for dirty coal all the way.  Fuck the planet!

Its worth noting that the term Universal Soldier first entered the popular lexicon (as far as I can tell) by a 1964 song by Buffy Sainte-Marie, who was actually singing about everyone’s individual accountability about standing against violence and war.  Our tacit acceptance made us all soldiers.  Good thing that Hollywood requisitioned the name and completely reinterpreted the message to mean “War is not only cool, its FUN!”

Powers

Captain America:  According to the Handbook of the Marvel Universe, the Super Soldier Serum has not advanced his physical abilities beyond the human spectrum into the realm of superhuman.  Rather it has pushed his abilities to the extreme peak of human potential.  So find the best athletes in the Strong Man competitions, track and field, basketball, football, and ice skating and Captain America is their equal in each individual sub-skill.

So taking the World Records for various feats of physical prowess.  Captain America can:

• Bench press 1,075 lbs. (Ryan Kennelly, 2008)
• Sprint 100m in 9.58 seconds or reach a top speed of 23 mph (Usain bolt, 2009)
• High jump 8ft and long jump 29ft (Javier Sotomayer, 1989 & Mike Powell, 1991)
• Run a marathon in 2 hrs 4 minutes (Haile Gebrselassie, 2008)
• And perfectly execute the Triple Lindy (Thorton Melon, 1986)

And not only all of that, but he can also fight like Bruce Lee, Anderson Silva, and King Hippo combined.  But wait … there’s more.

He also has a 2.5 ft diamater shield crafted of an exotic alloy mix, given to him by FDR.  Apparently, FDR was using it as a spinner on his wheelchair.  Depending on where you look, you can find that the shield is made of a vibranium-iron admixture or pure adamantium or even a combination of all three.

Regardless, it is a mythic metal from Wakanda that is quite simply indestructible.  I’ve heard that its made from Dick Clark’s face.  There is no bullet or weapon that can destroy it.  Not even Wolverine’s claws … I hate to say this, because it only contradicts what I have just written.  The indestructible shield has been destroyed four times (Odinforce, Infinity Gauntlet, Beyonder, and Molecular Man).

But who’s counting?

Cap has gotten quite good at tossing it around, even bouncing it off of two or three bad guys before returning back to his hand.

Universal Soldier:  All of the other movies aside, the original set the standard for UniSol capabilities, so we’ll focus on it exclusively.  In other words, there is no way I’m watching Universal Soldier: Regeneration.  My commitment to producing idiotic content only goes so far.  These guys are similar to Captain America in that their powers are fueled chemically.  Difference is that they need continual hits to maintain their awesomeness.

Alright, these guys are clearly reanimated corpses.  When they were discovered in Vienam after their gun battle above, both GR-44 andGR-13 were lying in body bags.  So part of their enhancement process can also rejuvenate dead tissue and organs.  This allows them to take catastrophic injuries with little worry, such as when the GR-74 took multiple assault rounds at point blank range and still calmly sat up to shoot dead a terrorist.  GR-44 took a bullet through the shoulder and had to be alerted to it by the reporter he was rescuing.  Within about 30 minutes or so, GR-44′s gunshot wound healed completely on its own.

In addition, they’ve shown superhuman speed and power.  GR-44 (Luc) pushes an 2-ton SUV at speeds up to 30mph.  That would make his 100m dash an incredible 7.45 seconds … while pushing a Ford Bronco!  And he pushes the vehicle for several miles.  Other feats of strength include charging through multiple walls.

Additional abilities:

• Sniper like accuracy at long range  even with silenced hand guns
• Lack of any emotions (fear, regret, doubt, pain)
• Supreme hand-to-hand ability

A drawback of their powers is that their version the super soldier serum makes them a bit wooden and stiff, robotic even.  I could be mistaken, because all of Jean Claude’s characters seem wooden, stiff, and robotic.

Plus, when they expend a high level of energy (including their healing powers), they run the risk of over-heating.  So the UniSols need to bath themselves in ice … or sit with their junk out in a walk-in freezer with a bunch of other naked dudes.

Looking at this image, can I just ask: Who the Fuck is that weakling at the back of the row?  The guy has less of a chest than Screech.  He must be a part of the “Universal Coffee Gopher” program.

Advantage: Universal Soldier

Equipment

Captain America: In addition to his vibranium matrix shield, Cap has several other hand devices at his disposal.  Firstly, his suit is flame retardant and also composed of a duralumin scale armor (bullet proof).  This is critical, because when he’s using is shield offensively, Captain America needs protection from return fire.  Otherwise, he’d just curl up behind his shield and pray to God that Nick Fury was sending in an airstrike from the SHIELD heli-carrier.

In some versions of Captain America, he does use a firearm (mainly in his WWII days), but he is mostly known for just bouncing his shield off the faces of multiple mooks.  When he does, its normally a magazine-fed, bolt action rifle (such as an M1 Carbine) or an automatic pistol (Colt M1911 A1).  In his crime-fighting, superhero incarnation he hardly ever uses a firearm.

His other equipment includes a customized Harley Davidson motorcycle (cool!) and a van that changes colors (um … not cool).

Universal Soldier:  The UniSols embrace technology … or at least early 90s technology.  This includes a shitload of guns, ranging from SMGs (Heckler & Koch SP89)  to the massive M60 to automatic shotguns to rapid-fire grenade launchers and more.  Their preferred handgun is none other than the .50 caliber Desert Eagle Mark I, made famous by this clip from Snatch.

Plus, they wear bullet proof vests as part of their standard-issue and presumably a night vision / infrared monocle.

Advantage: Universal Soldier

Conclusion

I anticipate that this is going to be an unpopular decision, because of the popularity and longevity of Captain America compared to the coked out, burnout Muscles from Brussels, but …

I can hardly see a scenario where Captain America wins in a one on one fight.  First, the UniSol is stronger and faster.  His abilities exceed human capabilities and in certain instances, quite dramatically so.  Their Frankenstein like gait ends when they get into hand-to-hand combat, but we’ll give Steve Rogers the quickness advantage.  So let’s just pretend that when they fight, Captain America uses his ample experience in fighting genetically/chemically/magically engineered enemies to unleash eight punches to every one of the UniSol.

Who cares?!  They fucking regenerate!  If bullet holes aren’t going to stop these guys, then bruises from a over-sized Frisbee sure aren’t going to either.  These guys rise from the dead!  Plus, when times get really tough, they can overdoes on their serum and increase their all of their physical powers substantially.  Maybe if Captain America is fighting on the side of volcano or something, he could judo throw the UniSol into the lava, but outside, circumstantial flukes aside …

In a hand to hand fight, the UniSol wins.

At long distance, the Universal Soldier possesses an equally significant advantage.  They’ve shown pinpoint, computer-like accuracy while shooting (such as shooting out individual power lines one at a time).  Their arsenal has greater power, greater range, and more bullets.  Cap’s philosophical decision to not use bullets isn’t going to do him in favors in this encounter.

Rogers DOES have bullet proof armor, but in all of his pictures he seems to make the Ned Kelly mistake, in that his scale mail armor does not cover his legs.  Or his chin.  Or his mouth.  And let’s face it, when you dress in royal blue with a big white A on your forehead, your camouflage skills are naturally compromised.

Yes, he can throw his shield and the discus WR is 243 feet (Jurgen Schult, 1986).  Do you know the effective range on an M60 machine gun? Hmm?

3,600 feet.

FOURTEEN TIMES the range that Cap could conceivable throw his shield.  And then consider the rate of fire (600 rounds per minute).  This sorta leaves Captain America hiding behind his shield under an incessant hail of bullets from over a half mile away.

I’m sorry, but I think Captain America comes out on the losing end of this encounter.  And when Captain America loses to a bunch of faux-American juicers … don’t we all lose?

GI Joe first came into existence in 1964, known as America’s Fighting Man. This so-called “daring, highly-trained, special mission force” waited another 18 years until they actually had an enemy to fight. In 1982, Cobra Command appeared, vowing world domination, followed a year later by the war profiteers, the Iron Grenadiers led by Destro. With an 18 year head start and the full support of the wealthiest nation in the world, surely GI Joe pwned, right? In nearly 30 years (1982 – 2011) how many casualties has GI Joe inflicted on the enemy?

Zero. None. Zilch. Bupkis.

Every time a FANG chopper explodes – bang – instant parachute. Not even an accidental death – like a Cobra HISS tank tipping over onto a drunken Dreadnok. What about injuries or wounded? None again. Not even a misplaced Storm Shadow shuriken accidentally circumcising an Alley Viper. Nothing.

Holy shit balls, no wonder we’re in a recession. Billions and billions of federal tax dollars have been spent supporting this ineffectual team of losers. Billions more wasted developing cutting edge technology (such as the red laser) and there is nothing to show for it. Not a damned thing. After 3 decades of fighting, the only factor weakening the central command of Cobra is Alzheimer’s.

The answers to this prolonged futility are quite simple. Let me explain why GI Joe has never won a war. [Read Column]

There was no better period for cartoons than the 1980s.   I know this because I’ve been an avid consumer of cartoons since I was conceived in 1976.  Yep, even before I jumped out of the womb, I had a black-n-white TV with rabbit ears in the uterus watching Hanna Barbera and Young Samson.   In the 80s, you had an explosion of consumerism … and not just in Colombian cocaine.  Mass marketing pushed toys like Slim Jims in Ethiopia.  Inevitably, cartoons became the battlefront for the hearts, minds, and dollars of every little child in the United States.

After school cartoons.  Saturday morning cartoons.  Cartoon movies.  The greats had their debut in my childhood – Robotech, Bionic Six, GI Joe, Transformers, Thundarr the Barbarian, the Centurions, Sectaurs, Spiderman & Hulk Action Hour, and motherfucking Voltron!  Can I get an AMEN?

And there were more.  Many more.

But almost in every great cartoon, there was a flaw.  A glaring, nauseating, kick-me-in-the-nuts flaw that seemed to be placed there purposefully just to reduce the greatness of the animated awesome on our TV screens.  And that flaw was a cute, annoying, little thing.  A little throw-in by some dumb ass marketing suit that thought it would open the appeal of the show to a younger (or female) demographic.  And that person, that business moron, deserves to have his junk run over by a ride-on lawn mower.

These dip shit sidekicks produced a full rugby team of dumb, but which ones were the worst?  That’s why I’m here. [Read Column]