I drive 2 hours to and from Melbourne (big city) and Bendigo (rural town) twice a week.  The trip is 150km of uninterrupted freeway.  I’ve been driving this trip for about two years now.  My wife and kid fall asleep, the iPod is barely audible, and I have the entire stretch of featureless black road to think. After driving this trip more than 100 times for over 200 hours, your mind starts to work in abnormal ways.

And that is how this column was born.

One of the simple truths of life is that the universe is infinite, limitless.  We are not alone.  At least not if you consider the greater expanse of the cosmos.  Statistically, its considered impossible that somewhere, somehow, that intelligent life does not exist.  Sorry for you Creationists.  I mean I’m really sorry for you.

But here on Earth?

Yeah, we’re alone.  In fact, its pretty damn lonely.  The closest we are getting to another race of intelligent beings is if the Japanese sex-bot industry takes off.  And I mean really takes off.  They are leading the race for artificial intelligence.  Believe you me, I’m already investing as many dollars as I can.  “Hello, Yumiko.  Nice maid outfit.”

That got me thinking … if I could select a second species to join homo sapien in our sentience, what would I choose from our world to join the ranks of Mensa? [Read Column]

You ever notice that in every movie that is cool, or another way to say it, any movie with ninjas there is always at least one ninja that has to dress in white?  Isn’t that weird?  Admittedly, I’m a gaijin outsider to the world of ninjitsu, but it’s pretty obvious that in the profession of ninjery stealth, sabotage, and assassination would require a less conspicuous outfit than the Saturday Night Fever starter kit. [Read Column]

If you’re like me, then your childhood was defined by Terminator, Rambo, Thundercats, He-Man, GI Joe … and Rocky Balboa.  The Italian Stallion.  God bless the 1980s.  At the same time, I’m a big boxing fan.  Unfortunately, boxing is so corrupt and watered down that I’ve been forced to turn to another lover and that lover’s name is MMA. And ever since Mike Tyson lost to Buster Douglas, the premier division of the sport, the big boys, has been a complete disaster.

But for the time being, let’s revisit one of the noble and pure things from my youth, a perfect nexus of everything that is cool – boxing, 1980s movies, Russians, and THE Apollo Creed.  I present Creed Vs. Drago. [Read Column]

Etymology. In German, it means “whale’s vagina.”  Oh sorry, that’s San Diego.

No, no.  That’s just silly.  Etymology is actually the study of the roots and origins of words.  By the way, the ETYMOLOGY of the word etymology is from the Greek words etumon “true sense” and logia “study of”. Thus etym-ology is the study of the true sense.

By the way, I have to confess that because my wife’s last boyfriend before she met me (and her first serious one in her lifetime) was GREEK, I am naturally biased towards items of that ilk.  And thusly, my stomach turns whenever I encounter anything that is Greek.  No offense, Leonidas, but excuse me while I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

Etymology.

This just occured to me.  If logia means ‘the study of’ does this mean that the actor Robert Loggia actually means the “study of Robert”.  Can I start calling him Robertology?  Put me down for one of those.

I studied Latin in my short career at a Jesuit college under the prime discipleship of Magister Stephen Bealls as well as history at the agricultural epicenter OSU under the strict Fascist rule of Doktor Bischoff, so I have some experience in Etymology.  And it strikes me funny as some of the words in English and where they actually came from.

The biggest word that I wanted to share with you is CAESAR.  It is the Roman “king” and has lent itself to German (kaisar), Russian (tsar, czar), and a rundown casino in Vegas.  Caesar was actually the cognomen of Gaius Julius Caesar, famously murdered by Jason Robards and Richard Johnson.  It was shared by his adopted great nephew Octavius, later known as Augustus.

After two of the greatest Roman emperors, Caesar became common for the ruler to adopt to tie themselves through smoke, mirrors, and histrionics to the “noble” bloodline of the Julians.  But here’s the rub – what does Caesar mean?

Well, well, I’m glad you asked.  There is some debate over this, but apparently it means “curly hair”.  Yep.  Now if you’re putting two and two together like I did, when you call someone “curly hair” because they actually have short, curls on their head, rather than sarcastically for being bald (see Curly of the Three Stooges), in today’s parlance you’re calling them Pubes.

There was this kid from my high school, Matt Einsley, who had short curly hair and we alternated between calling him Screech and Pubes.  He was a big, tall, goofy sunabitch.  I don’t mind pointing him out because he ratted me out in Dr. Defee’s history class and I had to sit at the back of the room for the rest of the semester.  Oh how the hidden coals still smolder.

So my bet is that Julius Caesar’s family was actually known in Roman times as Pubes.  And now that term has transcended into a universal term of king.  It could be worse, I read once that Queen actually means anal discharge.

Here’s a case of a false etymology.  It has been widely and wrongly reported that the word SHIT actually came from English shipping lore.  Crates of manure that were crated across the waters from mother England were in great danger of getting wet and releasing a build-up of methane gas in the hold of the ship.  If any poor limey swab were to wander below deck to engage in some Phelps bong hits, BOOM!  There goes the ship.  So it was proposed that the acronym S.H.I.T. was marked on each of these crates, short for Store High In Transit.

My revolutionary war history professor told us that story and I was so eager to tell everyone I knew.  Guess what, wikipedia now claims that it is untrue.  Dammnit.  Why is everything that is so beautiful, so fake – like Pamela Anderson’s breasts!  Why!  Why!

Apparently, the word shit comes from an actual person.  One of Dick Cheney’s ancestors or something.  I read that on Google somewhere.  Don’t quote me.

Now let’s talk about my name, Robert. It’s a Germanic, coming from the root words hrod and beraht.  I was surprised that my name did not mean “colossal” and “man parts”.  I could have sworn that was the original translation from Finnish or Norwegian or something.  Nope.  It literally means “bright light”.

Crap.

You mean to tell me that my name is coincidentally the only words that Gizmo the Mogwai said during the entire movie of Gremlins?  Bright light!  Bright light!

I feel like I just sat on my balls while riding a ten speed.

…

So what’s new in your world.  You stay classy, San Diego.

VOL. 1: CLOONEY VS. SAVAGE

The truth of celebrity is this – you get everything for free.  And when I say everything, I’m talking about specifically booty.  The big question is how much booty does that entitle you to?  What does a career of sports, music, or blockbusters equate into late night, drunk dials.

Well, I believe that I’ve come up with a full proof formula to predict the Wool Pull on any celebrity.  Using my unique and secret blend of pseudo-science, conjecture, wild hypothesis, wreckless assumptions, and oneiromancy I can actually predict which famous person gets the most pootie.  I present Booty Wars.

If you’re the type of person that chooses Invisibility when asked your choice of super powers, this article is for you.  If you’re wondering who can rise from relative obscurity to join the legendary ranks of the Shag Masters – Sean Kemp, Eazy E, Bob Crane, and Peter Sellers – then this article is for you.

The first battle?  George Clooney vs. Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

NOTE: Remember this a measure only of quantity … not quality.

GEORGE TIMOTHY CLOONEY

Male – 47 years old – Lexington, KY

Gorgeous George started his career in TV, appearing in Golden Girls, E/R (not the one you’re thinking of), the Facts of Life, Murder She Wrote, and Roseanne.  His big breakthrough came with the role of dreamy doctor, Dr. Doug Ross, in ER (yes, that one).

Movie wise he started modestly (Return of the Killer Tomatoes, Return to Horror High, Grizzly II: The Predator, Combat Academy), but with his new found fame in ER, he was able to parlay better scripts and bigger budgets.  Starting with the Tarantino flick From Dusk til Dawn he quickly went through a series of big projects mixed in with Indie films.  He’s widely known for his triple appearance as Danny Ocean in the Ocean series.

Okay, okay.  Enough.  After all, I’m not here to sleep with him – just to figure out how many of YOU have. Let’s see how his booty score stacks up:

• Actor (+5)
• Director (+2)
• Producer (+2)
• Screenwriter (-1)
• Film Performances
  • $100+ Million: Batman and Robin, Ocean’s Eleven, The Perfect Storm, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen (+15)
  • $200+ Million: none
• Awards
  • Oscars: Nominated three times, won once for Syriana (+13)
  • Golden Globes: Nominated four times, one once for Syriana (+9)
  • Emmy’s: Nominated once (+1)
• Married: total time of matrimony 4 years.  (-8)
• Sexiest Man Alive: Awarded twice, 1997 and 2006 (+20)
• UN Award: Messenger of Peace (+2)
• Notable Roles: Batman (+1)

Analysis: Clooney has clearly made the most of being an intelligent actor and choosing the right roles.  The ladies go for the sensitive smart guy, though his box office performance is lacking.  He’s also one of two men to be named the Sexiest Man Alive twice, the other being Lyle Lovett apparently.

Despite a nice score, there are areas on George’s pootie resume that could use some attention.  Clooney would make some significant gains in his already impressive booty score by releasing a sex tape, producing some illegitimate children, or developing a meth addiction.

FINAL SCORE: 61

RANDY SAVAGE

Male – 56 Years Old – Columbus, OH

Randy “Macho Man” Savage was one of the early icons of the WWF (now WWE).  He was one of the first top rope performers with his Diving Elbow Drop.  His brother and father were also wrestlers (Leaping Lanny Poffo/the Genius and Angelo Poffo respectively).  He started in the regional circuits, but arrived at “The Show” in 1985 when he signed with Vince McMahon.

Macho was originally a heel (aka bad guy), but rose in popularity due to his screen presence and kayfabe personna.  He boasts one of the greatest matches in WWF history with Ricky the Dragon Steamboat at he Pontiac Silverdome in Wrestlemania III.  This set up his legendary friendship/rivalry with Hulk Hogan during height of wrestling fame.

So let’s pull back the covers and see what Savage did with his Macho Man during his bed wrestling.

• Cool Nickname: Macho Man (+1)
• Dumb Real Name: Randall Mario Poffo (-1)
• Wrestler: (+3)
• Ring Manager: Miss Elizabeth (+5)
• Titles:
  • WWF Intercontinental Title (+1)
  • WWF Heavy Championship Title x2 (+8)
  • WCW Champhionship Title x4 (+8)
  • Pay-Per-View Headliner (+5)
• Baseball: Triple A baseball (+4)
• Drug Scandals:
  • WWE Steroid Era: (+8)
  • Overdose: former wife, Miss Elizabeth, found dead of an overdose of Xanax, oxycontin, HGH, and vodka in Lex Luger’s apartment (+5)
• Sex Scandals: sex with Vince’s daughter, Stephanie, a minor at the time (+15)
• Actor: (+5)
• Musician (+6)
• Married: total time of marriage 8 years (-16)

Analysis: An important aspect of this formula is that in no way are we judging the quality of the girls that jumped into bed with our contestants.  Wrestling is a very shady business filled with drug abuse, steroids, alcoholism, and violence, which is a veritable Redneck Booty Playground.  Based on Macho Man’s behavior, it is clear that he had no problem sticking his ring post into anything that moved.  In addition, he played pro-baseball, acted, and makes music.

He could have made a better case for himself by making a cleaner transition into acting or (again) making a sex tape ala Tommy Lee.  That’s always big points.  The booty score formula would have also given big points if his only wife (Miss Elizabeth) had posed in Playboy ala Kimberly (wife of Diamond Dallas Page) and several other less mentionables … ok I’ll say it, Chyna the “man beast”.

Final Score: 57

We’ve had a very close battle and both contestants pulled out all of the … um … nevermind.  Now on behalf of our committee, its time to bestow our prestigious trophy.