Recently, I received a letter from a reader, seeking advice.  I guess the nearly two year’s worth of columns filled with wisdom, observation on human nature, and dick jokes as proven to my audience that I am like a white, digital Buddha.  Of course, I could never turn away such a request for help.  Here then is that letter … [Read Column]

There are a lot of things that people can say about me that are not only accurate, but also high incriminating.  And mostly I’m proud of these misdeeds.  I’ve already divulged my exploits as a failed insurance cheat, a white devil involved in blaxploitation, the soul crushing hazing that we placed on a physically handicapped pledge brother, and even the secret desires to smack my old boss atop his bald head.  Yes, I am poorly adjusted and marginally neurotic, a barely functioning adult at best.

Let’s be clear though on one issue.  No one has ever claimed that I was a smooth operator with the ladies.  And to prove this I am going to relate to the entire Internet world the story of my first kiss.  Or more accurately the story of when I should have had my first kiss, but … um … didn’t. [Read Column]

Welcome back, faithful readers!  My two-month hiatus to finish my second is finito and the rough draft is done.  I’m happily back to producing poorly contrived, irresponsibly moronic content to only make the Internet less useful.  I like to think that I’m doing the Lord’s work.

Anyways, a lot has happened during the break that could be my lead-in to 2010.  Tiger’s Tool Time, the battle for healthcare reform, Brock Lesnar’s leaky poop tube that nearly killed him, Iran’s quest to surpass Cobra as the biggest bunch of crazy assholes, Google threatening to pull out of China kinda like a teenage boy with his girlfriend, and much much more.  I could have come back with nearly anything.

I decided to talk about the most American traditions - SELLING OUT!!! [Read Column]

The final 32 teams of the FIFA 2010 World Cup have been decided, the nineteenth grand tournament of world football.  It is bigger than the Olympics.  It is bigger than the United Nations.  It is bigger than World of Warcraft.  I am happy to say that my country (THE United States of America), the place where I live (Australia), and the lands of my heritage (Germany & England) have all made it.  I am sorry to report that our despised rivals Mexico have also been included.  As second place in CONCACAF I might add … second place to deez nuts!

Sorry.  Sometimes I get distracted.

Anyways, I’ve got a plan on how the United States can win the 2010 World Cup, our first major FIFA trophy and the first country outside of Europe or South America to win said trophy.  We’re huge underdogs, but if we can get my plan in place then I’d say we’ve got a good to great chance. [Read Column]

In school, particularly high school, so much is predicated off of national, standardized tests.  You know the ones that were designed so that Jerome and Pedro would never have a shot at college?  The same ones that were designed so that Wang and Rajindra could deliver perfect scores and skew the entire average for the stupid white kids.  I’m talking about the TIPS, ACT, SAT, GMAT, MCAT, LSAT, and more.  Much more.

These tests are so ridiculously stupid.  Why?  Well, good sir, I’m happy you asked. [Read Column]