My wife is a dentist.  Specifically, she is a prosthodontist.  Her procedures involve using pliers to remove teeth, drilling into the gums to place titanium implants, shoving needles into the hard palette, and many other gruesome tortures that seem spawned from the Spanish Inquisition.  And at times, she calls me up and asks me to sit chair-side as her dental assistant.  While I sit there, holding the suction and keenly watching the patient in the chair, I have compiled an extensive mental database on human psychology.  Specifically, the psychology of pain. [Read Column]

Last weekend, Eldrick Tiger Woods played in his first golf tournament in 65 years after getting his ass beat by his wife with a nine iron.  His first tournament was the Augusta National Golf Club … or as I like to call it – the Klan’s Major.  Tiger finished fourth, which is mightily impressive considering he was freebasing Ambien with vodka shooters and engaging in auto-asphyxiation with one of John Daly’s ex-wives.

Well, that’s what I heard …

Regardless of what may or may not have transpired, Tiger has been covered ad nauseum in the last five months.  He’s a cheater.  He’s a sex addict.  He’s a delusional celebrity.  I have a different perspective.  I have the truth about Tiger. [Read Column]

Choosing a sports orientation for your alma mater is a bit like walking out of a bar with a girl.  There’s no telling if current circumstances colored your judgment towards the girl on your arm (i.e. bad lighting, smoke, beer, a 2-year sex drought, etc) vs. the other six or seven potential candidates that were available.  Its also like drinking from the Holy Grail.  Did you choose wisely?  Or did you just put on the George Burns aging cream?

I’m going to make a case for OSU’s sporting heritage … [Read Column]

Recently, I received a letter from a reader, seeking advice.  I guess the nearly two year’s worth of columns filled with wisdom, observation on human nature, and dick jokes as proven to my audience that I am like a white, digital Buddha.  Of course, I could never turn away such a request for help.  Here then is that letter … [Read Column]

There are a lot of things that people can say about me that are not only accurate, but also high incriminating.  And mostly I’m proud of these misdeeds.  I’ve already divulged my exploits as a failed insurance cheat, a white devil involved in blaxploitation, the soul crushing hazing that we placed on a physically handicapped pledge brother, and even the secret desires to smack my old boss atop his bald head.  Yes, I am poorly adjusted and marginally neurotic, a barely functioning adult at best.

Let’s be clear though on one issue.  No one has ever claimed that I was a smooth operator with the ladies.  And to prove this I am going to relate to the entire Internet world the story of my first kiss.  Or more accurately the story of when I should have had my first kiss, but … um … didn’t. [Read Column]