Background

Sheriff Woody was first introduced in Toy Story. He’s a 1960s era toy that belonged to a little boy named Andy. We journeyed with Woody and his friends as Andy grew out of childhood and into a young adult about to go to 4 years of institutionalized drinking … er … I mean college (Toy Story 3). Not having a need for toys any more, Andy decided against locking Woody in the attic or bringing him in a juvenile fit of nostalgia to campus (where undoubtedly a dorm mate would defile the doll in some unnatural means). Instead, he gave all of his toys to Bonnie, a little girl.

Of course, this is because Andy didn’t realize that Woody, Bullet, and Jessie are worth somewhere around a million dollars to toy collectors. Idiot. But I digress.

Premise

As the second owner, Bonnie is unlikely to be as appreciative of the Woody toy as Andy. Like that time I stole a GI Joe from that kid in 1st grade (Tripwire) and then I lost him a week later playing ‘buried alive’ in my yard. Plus, times they are a-changing as we saw with Andy’s little sister, Molly, who was already disinterested in toys in favor of sexting and roofies. Plus, lets assume that Bonnie and her family are the worst type of toy owners.

Christians.

That’s right. Christians are the Joseph Stalin of the plastic, little people. Why? Because Christians or other religious people in general have this misguided notion that they should help other people. Help others in the manner of donating toys to under-privileged children … or as I like to think of it forced, relocation of masses of people for ideological reasons. Oh, the horror.

Imagine the heartbreak of Buzz and Slinky-Dog when Woody is tossed into a toy drive crate by the heartless Bonnie. That bitch.

So Woody gets donated to an overseas toy drive program and ends up in … Pakistan.

The Red Cross or the Salvation Army distributes these orphaned toys to a bedraggled line of Nike factory workers. Sheriff Woody eventually finds a new owner, a small boy named Walid, living on the streets of his village after his family was killed by a stinger missile from of a predator drone. Only problem is … Walid isn’t interested in playing. No. He’s far more interested in going to the mosque where he gets to learn about the Great Satan.

By Act III, little Walid has been radicalized and is ready to give his life for the cause. He spends hours practicing in the mirror his most evil sounding last words.  Finally, the day has come for little Walid to visit the marketplace.  The best place to hide the C4, dynamite, dirty bomb, Khloe Kardashian pap smear?  Inside the toy.

The good news is that Woody died a martyr’s death and even toys get their 40 virgins …

The UFC made its debut on public access television last weekend.  Pretty amazing considering that just ten years ago, UFC videos were passed around like snuff films in 8mm between only the die-hard enthusiasts.  Even as of 2006, the UFC was reportedly not turning a profit.  This was the same sport that boxing aficionado Sen. John McCain termed “human cockfighting” and soon it was banned in 36 states.  So its all the more impressive that the UFC stormed into the global living room with 8.8 million U.S. viewers during the 64 second fight.  The most watched MMA event in history.

This must be the craziest thing going, right?  Well …

There’s something else equaling that in terms of absurdity.  Oklahoma State University (10-0) is currently ranked #2 in every college football poll, including the BCS.  We have two games remaining and if … IF … we win them both, we are assured a spot in the national championship game.  This is O-State.  The same team that until 2000, had a 46% winning percentage in 51 seasons (252-285-13).  This is same team that crapped out an 0-10-1 record in 1991 under Pat Jones.

Pretty crazy times indeed.  But there is an interesting connections to these two Doomsday events.  And that is the fact that Oklahoma State University is a literal factory of mixed martial artists.  And it all starts with a man named Edward C. Gallagher. [Read Column]

Throughout the history of the human race, men (and Prussian women) have been looking for a chemical advantage in maximizing their manliness. In Ancient China, kings would drink potions of powdered tiger penis for virility. The Ancient Romans preferred … God, I loathe to even type this … menstrual … fluids. I am gargling battery acid as we speak.

Thankfully, the performance enhancing drugs of today have been simplified into the cream, the clear, and pills. Steroids, HGH, and more. And you know what?  I can’t think of a single activity that cannot be improved by steroids. They are – quite simply – awesome. I’m not saying I’ve ever used them – no, my Adonis like body is completely natural. Yet, I’m still certain of their awesomeness. You want to know why they are awesome … ?

Because they work.

The evidence is particularly compelling from the activities where steroids has been used extensively, which I’ll detail below. The only factor to consider then is the ethical obstacles to jumping feet first into juicing.

Well, that and incy-wincy smurf nuts. [Read Column]

The USA recently had its credit rating dropped from AAA to AA+ after a long, pointless, and self-destructive Mexican stand off between the two extremes of crazy from the Left and the Right.  Standard & Poors based their downgrade on the political infighting over simple budgetary decisions, the growing debt to GDP, and the gross mishandling of the Transformers franchise.  The future outlook for the United States, according to S&P, is negative.

No shit.

But … do not fret, Sweet US of A, because most of the Americans that dwell inside your borders already have bad credit and have had bad credit for years.  This is the the land of the leased and leveraged.  And over those years, a unique type of expertise has been carefully crafted.  Daresay a plethora of ways have been invented and perfected to skirt bad debt, bad spending, and bad credit (yes, El Guapo, I said plethora).  Keep your head up, America, you CAN continue to live like a baller even with bad credit. [Read Column]

The debt ceiling debate has entered into the thirteenth hour as both parties’ centrist deal makers attempt to bring in the lunatic fringe from the right and left to ensure a vote that doesn’t push the United States into the trailer park of other used-up, redneck defaulters.  And throughout this public divorce between civility, statesmanship, and public stewardship on one side and media hackery, obtuse agendas, and the special interest pandering on the other, one thing is certain:

This sucks.  This really fucking sucks.

Even if the DC idiots put aside their 10-cent propaganda idealism to put a temporary bandaid on our budget, one thing stands taller than the rest of the hyperbole.  This thing is broken.  This is not how our founding fathers intended for shit to get done.  Unchecked partisan tactics and overwhelming cynicism regarding the greater good naturally excludes rational-minded people from government, drawing only the crusaders and the intolerant.

But I have an idea … an idea on how to fix America. [Read Column]