I don’t normally use my website as a political forum, except to say that Sarah Palin should be cast in bronze.  I mean Right Now.  Throw her in a cauldron of boiling ore.  In fact, let’s do the Han Solo carbonite freeze, but instead of decorating Jabba the Hutt’s wall, let’s make her the dry hump toy for the Rancor Monster.

So hold your breath for a second.

I was born in the United States.  And I happily lived there for the first 28 years of my life.  Land of capitalism, assault rifles, apple pie, 3000 cable channels, and shitty beer.  Then I got married.  I now live in Australia and I have for the last 6 years.  Land of mates, every deadly creepy crawly thing that ever slithered out of Satan’s bunghole, boomerangs, and only slightly less shitty beer.

Australia has socialized medicine.

Wait … come back off the ledge … put down the staple gun … Everything.  Will.  Be.  Okay.

Due to my own amazing ability to find innovative ways to injure myself, I’ve been a patient in both an American hospital and an Aussie one.  So unlike a lot of the dickheads on TV ranting about the second coming of Herr Hitler, I’ve got first hand experience in both private and socialized medicine.

Sit back, sonny, and let Uncle Lucky tell you a Tale Of Two Hospitals. [Read Column]

When I was a little kid, I loved the Find-A-Word puzzles in the paper.  As with any puzzle, you start to intuitively develop an algorithm of logic to quickly and systematically attack the challenge.  The most successful strategies with Find-A-Word, by the way, is to search for letters by their frequency (like Z, K, Q, etc) or double letters (OO or LL). [Read Column]

Things are a bit different in Australia.  Maybe its too much sun, too little ozone, too much salt water, too much beer … whatever it is things are different.  For instance, we have rednecks, they have boguns.  We have Al Capone, they have Chopper Read (pictured).  We have a Puritanical Founders.  They were founded by the chorus line from Cell Block D.  We drink too much beer, they … well, somethings are the same.

With the drought of original ideas and stories coming out of Hollywood, Bollywood, and Asian porn, you’d be surprised to find that a great deal of movies released into Australia from the States have their names changed.  As if this quick smoke-n-mirrors changeroo will actually change the box office totals.  Or maybe its because they fear that Australians, who have 23.5 hours of solid Law & Order reruns on public television and this crazy new invention called the Internet, won’t catch the subtle Americanish references.  For instance, should they have renamed Shaft (2000) to One Bad Mother-Rooter?

Here then are some movies that were inexplicably released under different titles Down Under and my guesses as to why. [Read Column]

When I arrived in Australia in March 2005, I didn’t have much interest in national politics.  Why should I be?  I was only mildly interested in US politics and a seasoned cynic and pessimist.  I’ll admit I got really excited to see the Shock & Awe of Iraq II: the Revenge live in technicolor.  But with all of the build-up from talking heads like Geraldo and Shepherd Smith, anything less than trannosauruses with shoulder mounted rocket pods and bionic limbs crashing through the walls of the presidential palace with a Republican Guard in its mouth would have been a let down. [Read Column]

I’m an American (proud Oklahoma in fact) living in Australia.  I’m married to an Aussie (Vietnamese as well) and live with her family on the weekends.

I’ll be the first to admit that I assumed the role of whiny Yank early and often in my 3+ years here. During my life I’ve traveled to Mexico a few times and Vietnam as a tourist in each instance. I’d like to share my wisdom of living overseas and how to enjoy it. Before we start, let’s just clear some things up about Australia which I am routinely asked by my friends back home. [Read Column]